Rugtelegraph

Crypto’s unofficial newspaper of rugpulls, regret and the occasional rally. Kind of like The Onion if it had a Metamask.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

local man who shorted the market seen crying into his instant noodles

[Watcher.Guru @WatcherGuru]

JUST IN: $180,000,000 worth of shorts liquidated from the crypto market in the past 30 minutes.

[CHOI @arrakis_ai]

This GPT Image 2 prompt is going insanely viral right now.

“Redraw the attached image in the most clumsy, scribbly, and utterly pathetic way possible. Use a white background, and make it look like it was drawn in MS Paint with a mouse. It should be vaguely similar but also not really, kind of matching but also off in a confusing, awkward way, with that low-quality pixel-by-pixel feel that really emphasizes how ridiculously bad it is. Actually, you know what, whatever, just draw it however you want.”

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

The Pros and Cons of Using Crypto Cards
From ‘Number Go Up’ to ‘Card Declined’: Spending Your Bags in the Real World 👇

Ah yes, crypto cards. The magical little rectangles that promise to bridge the gap between your digital monkey JPEG portfolio and, you know, buying a sandwich. But are they the future of finance, or just another way to feel poor in multiple currencies at once?

🟢 PRO: You Can Finally Spend Your Crypto Without Explaining It
No more awkward conversations like, ‘I can’t pay rent, but I do own 0.003 of something called a Layer 2 scaling solution.’ With a crypto card, you just tap and go. Society remains blissfully unaware.

🔴 CON: You Might Accidentally Buy Coffee at the Market Top
That £3 latte? Congrats, it just cost you what could’ve been £300 in 6 months.
Or £0.30. There is no in-between.
🟢 PRO: Cashback Rewards That Sound Cooler Than They Are

“Earn 5% back in crypto!” sounds amazing until you realize it’s paid in a coin named something like MoonYak Inu. Still, free money is free money (terms, conditions, and emotional damage apply).
🔴 CON: Tax Reporting Becomes a Full-Time Personality

Every transaction could be a taxable event.
Buying a sandwich? Taxable.
Buying socks? Taxable.
Thinking about buying something? Honestly, probably taxable.
🟢 PRO: Feels Futuristic as Hell
Using a crypto card makes you feel like you’re living in 2045. Until the payment declines and you remember it’s actually 2026 and nothing works properly yet.
🔴 CON: Hidden Fees That Sneak Up Like Gas Fees in 2021
Conversion fees, transaction fees, “just because” fees. Somewhere, a spreadsheet is quietly judging you.

🟢 PRO: Helps You Actually Use Your Crypto
Instead of staring at charts all day, you can do things with your assets. Like… buy snacks. Mostly snacks.

🔴 CON: Volatility Turns Every Purchase Into a Gamble
“Should I use my card now… or wait 10 minutes and see if I’m richer?” Congratulations, you’ve turned grocery shopping into day trading.

🟢 PRO: Instant Tech Bro Cred
Nothing says “I read whitepapers recreationally” like whipping out a crypto card.

🔴 CON: You Are Now the Friend Who Won’t Shut Up About Crypto
You will explain it to waiters.
You will mention ‘decentralization’ at inappropriate times.
You will lose friends.

But hey, at least when your portfolio crashes, you can still use it to buy a sandwich on the way down.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

7 Stages Of Grief Every Crypto Investor Hits During A Bear Market

From 'To the Moon' to 'Is my old manager still hiring?' in sixty seconds flat 👇

Your ‘To the Moon’ dreams have officially hit a ‘To the Basement’ reality. Here are the 7 stages of grief every crypto investor hits during a bear market.

1. Denial (The ‘Healthy Correction’ Phase)
The market drops 15% in two hours. You laugh nervously and tell your group chat, ‘We’re just shaking out the weak hands.’ You refuse to close the app, convinced that by the time you wake up, the dip will have been eaten.

2. Anger (The ‘Who Tweeted?’ Phase)
The 15% drop turns into 40%. Now, you’re scrolling Twitter (X) looking for someone to blame. Is it the Fed? Did a billionaire dump their bag? You start typing aggressive replies to anyone posting a bearish chart, calling them a ‘paid FUDster.’

3. Bargaining (The ‘If It Just Hits...’ Phase)
You start making deals with the universe: “If Bitcoin just goes back to $100k, I promise I’ll sell half and put it in a high-yield savings account.” You start looking at staking rewards as if a 4% annual yield will somehow fix a 60% capital loss.

4. Depression (The ‘Deleting the App’ Phase)
The notification pings have stopped because you turned them off. You start looking at your LinkedIn profile again and wondering if your old boss is still hiring. The laser eyes on your profile picture feel like a personal mockery.

5. Social Withdrawal (The ‘Don’t Ask Me About Crypto’ Phase)
It’s Sunday dinner, and your uncle asks, “So, how’s that internet money doing?” You suddenly become very interested in the texture of the mashed potatoes.

6. Final Capitulation (The ‘I’m Done’ Phase)
The Bottom usually happens five minutes after this stage. You finally snap and sell your remaining coins at a massive loss. You feel a strange, hollow sense of peace now that you have nothing left to lose.

7. Acceptance (The ‘I’m Only Here for the Tech’ Phase)
Months later, the market is sideways and boring. You’ve stopped caring about the price. You start actually reading whitepapers again. You realize you’re still here, you’re still alive, and you’ve learned a very expensive lesson about risk management.

Important Note: Usually, the moment you reach Stage 7, the bull market quietly begins again.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

unlike your last three investments 💔

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

13 Valentine’s Day Texts Only Crypto People Would Send

Because flowers are temporary but emotional volatility is forever ❤️

If your love language includes charts, conviction, and mild delusion, this one’s for you...

1. “Are we long-term or just a short-term trade?”

2. “I’m not selling you, ever”

3. “You’re my highest conviction play right now”

4. “Let’s merge!!”

5. “Be my exit liquidity?”

6. “I’d stake with your validator pool”

7. “You had me at mainnet”

8. “This isn’t a pump & dump I swear”

9. “I definitely see long-term value here”

10. “We’re still early… right?”

11. “I promise this isn’t a rug”

12. “I’d hold through the dips with you”

13. “gm ❤️” (for the culture)

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

Written months ago
Still painfully current

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

Bitcoin Investors Confident Market Bottom Is In, For 7th Time This Week

Retail Traders Celebrate ‘Final Dip’ Before Next Dip 👇

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

The Pros and Cons of Using Privacy Blockchains

Cash energy in a spreadsheet world 👇

PROS 🟢

Your wallet stops broadcasting its life story to anyone with a block explorer and free time. Financial activity finally stops feeling like a public performance

You can move money without instantly becoming content for crypto Twitter. No threads, no screenshots, no unsolicited analysis

It makes digital money behave more like cash and less like a shared spreadsheet. Which is somehow controversial now

It quietly reintroduces the idea that privacy is normal. And not a red flag you have to apologise for

CONS 🔴

Regulators flinch on instinct. The room temperature drops immediately

Exchanges get nervous because compliance teams hate surprises. Especially the kind that cannot be graphed

Every discussion is derailed by someone shouting ‘criminals’. As if cash has been innocent this whole time

Explaining why privacy is not the same as wrongdoing takes forever. And somehow you still end up on defence

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

5 Moments That Perfectly Capture What It’s Like Using a Crypto Exchange

You log in calm. You log out emotionally changed 👇

Crypto exchanges promise speed, security, and seamless trading. What they actually deliver is a full emotional arc in under five minutes.

From quiet confidence to mild panic to irrational optimism, these moments will feel uncomfortably familiar if you have ever clicked Buy or Sell even once…

1. You finally decide to buy… and the app goes down.
You’ve done the research.
You’re calm.
You click Buy.
Scheduled maintenance.

2. The price moves 8 percent while you’re logging in. By the time 2FA loads, the opportunity has already lived an entire life.

3. You send a test transaction because you don’t trust yourself. It arrives instantly.
You send the real one.
Now we wait.

4. You refresh your balance even though you know nothing has changed.
Just checking.
Still checking.
One more refresh for luck.

5. You promise yourself you’re only here for one thing. Check a balance. End up browsing pairs you absolutely did not plan to trade.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

7 Extremely January Ways Crypto Is Already Stress Testing Your New Year Discipline

You made resolutions. Crypto made other plans 👇

January is supposed to be about fresh starts, good habits, and pretending this is the year you become a calmer, more disciplined person. Crypto noticed this energy immediately and decided to test it. Hard.

From budgeting optimism to five-minute candles that feel personal, here are the extremely January ways the market has already started undoing your best intentions.

1. You promised yourself this year would start calmly, with no charts before breakfast.
It is now 7:14am, and you are emotionally invested in a five-minute candle.

2. You carefully planned a sensible January budget focused on saving and stability.
Crypto immediately rebranded it as dry powder.

3. You entered the new year fully committed to avoiding impulsive decisions.
Then a completely unknown token started trending with zero context and maximum confidence.

4. You told yourself January was about long-term thinking and personal growth.
You are currently zoomed into a one-hour chart, convincing yourself this is deep research.

5. You muted crypto accounts in a bold attempt to prioritise mental health.
The algorithm responded by showing you only the most unhinged gains imaginable.

6. You scheduled January as a quiet reset month with fewer opinions and less noise.
Instead, you are explaining market structure to someone who absolutely did not ask.

7. You declared that this would finally be the year of discipline and restraint.
Crypto nodded politely, and began testing that claim immediately.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

@Kylechasse gold as collateral yes end of fiat maybe later

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

@krakenfx @WatcherGuru Lads we were influencers the moment we put a bio emoji in

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

@dotkrueger Appreciate the transparency around the source

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

11 New Year’s Resolutions Crypto Traders Will Break Before January 3rd

Every year begins with clarity, calm intentions, and a completely unrealistic sense of self control 👇

New Year’s Eve does something strange to crypto traders. Somewhere between the fireworks and the first coffee of January 1st, we all become better versions of ourselves. More patient. More disciplined. Less likely to ape into something called INU.

Unfortunately, the market opens on January 2nd and reality reasserts itself.

Here are the resolutions crypto traders swear by at midnight and quietly abandon before the first weekend of the year.

1 I’m going to trade less and think more
This lasts until the first green candle appears. Thinking is replaced by a strong feeling that something is about to happen.

2 I won’t check charts outside of market hours
You are not sure what market hours means in crypto, but you break this rule almost immediately just to be safe.

3 I’ll finally stick to a clear strategy
You even wrote it down somewhere. It survives exactly one unexpected wick.

4 No more revenge trading
You absolutely mean this. Unfortunately the market tests your emotional growth within 48 hours.

5 I’m done chasing narratives late
You tell yourself this while reading a thread explaining why it is still early.

6 I’ll take profits more responsibly
You take profits once, feel terrible about it, and then spend the rest of the week watching price continue without you.

7 I won’t FOMO into pumps
You do not FOMO. You simply enter during strong momentum after careful consideration.

8 I’ll stop overreacting to short term price action
A five minute chart still counts as long term if you zoom out a bit.

9 I’m muting more accounts this year
You do mute a few people. You then immediately follow three new ones with laser eyes.

10 I’ll focus more on fundamentals
You say this while scrolling past a chart that looks extremely convincing.

11 This year I’m staying emotionally neutral
You break this resolution sometime between your first win and your first loss.

Every year starts with the same hope. This time will be different. This time you’ve learned. This time you’re disciplined. And every year the market politely reminds you why January is such an educational month.

Happy New Year from Rugtelegraph and good luck out there.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

7 Extremely Festive Reasons You Checked the Charts on Christmas Morning

Nothing says peace on earth like a quick look at the five-minute candle 🕯️

You told yourself this year would be different. No charts, no alerts, just family time, good food, and the illusion of being relaxed. And yet, before the wrapping paper was cleared or the kettle had properly boiled, your phone was already in your hand.

Here are the extremely festive, completely reasonable reasons you checked the charts on Christmas morning.

1. Just to make sure nothing exploded overnight. You weren’t planning to trade. You simply needed reassurance that the market, the network, and civilisation itself were still functioning. A quick glance for peace of mind. Basically a public service.

2. Because Santa rallies are absolutely a thing in your head. Equities get one, so why wouldn’t crypto. If magic exists anywhere, it’s probably in thin holiday liquidity and slightly suspicious green candles.

3. You woke up before everyone else anyway. The house was quiet, the kettle was on, and no one was watching. At that point, checking the charts felt less like a decision and more like muscle memory.

4. To see if the thing you sold finally pumped. Not out of spite. Not out of regret. Just for closure. You didn’t feel smug or devastated. You felt something far more unsettling: validation.

5. Because Christmas optimism feels like a local top. Too much cheer, too much confidence, too many people saying things like next year will be different. You’ve seen this pattern before, and you know how these stories tend to end.

6. To confirm you were still a genius, or at least not an idiot. If price was up, you had conviction. If price was down, you were thinking long term. Either way, the narrative held together nicely.

7. Because it’s tradition now. Some families open stockings. Others open TradingView. Rituals matter, and this one just happens to come with candlesticks.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

Tech Sector Confident AI Bubble Still Has At Least Three More Inflations Before Exploding

Investors Assure Public There Is Definitely More Air Left 👇

SILICON VALLEY - Industry leaders announced this week that the AI bubble still has plenty of room to expand before detonating in a blaze of investor regret. Analysts say the bubble, already valued at several times the GDP of Canada, remains in the early giddy denial phase where everyone pretends math has stopped working and GPUs grow on enchanted semiconductor trees.

According to leaked documents, the bubble follows a predictable arc.

Phase 1: mild excitement.

Phase 2: euphoric delusion.

Phase 3: feral capital misallocation.

Phase 4: thought leadership.

Insiders say the market is only now entering Phase 3, as startups pitch tools that automate spiritual awakenings or identify which coworker is microwaving fish.

Retail investors have responded by buying anything with the letters AI on it, including socks and one Roomba with googly eyes that now claims to be AGI. Economists warn the bubble could burst once people realise AI cannot replace everything, but their concerns were drowned out by dozens of press releases from tools designed to replace economists.

Still, optimism reigns. The bubble surged again after rumours that a major lab was developing an algorithm capable of generating entirely new bubbles to replace broken ones.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

10 Signs the Bitcoin Santa Rally Has Officially Begun
'Tis the season for volatility 👇

Some people track the holidays by looking at calendars.
Crypto people track it by watching Bitcoin suddenly act like it just drank an entire tub of eggnog.

Here’s how you know the Santa Rally has officially arrived…

1. YOUR PORTFOLIO SUDDENLY LOOKS FESTIVE
Not because of Christmas decorations, but because everything’s randomly up 7 percent.

2. CT TRADERS START SAYING “SEASONALITY” UNIRONICALLY
It’s the only time of year they pretend to know macro.

3. YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU WON’T CHECK THE CHART TODAY
Then you check it eight times before breakfast.

4. THE SAME INFLUENCERS WHO WERE BEARISH LAST WEEK NOW TWEET HO HO HODL
Seasonal amnesia hits hard.

5. YOUR WATCHLIST GOES FROM RED TO GREEN AFTER ONE SIP OF HOLIDAY PUNCH
You didn’t change anything. The market just decided to be nice.

6. EVEN YOUR DEAD BAGS MOVE
Coins you forgot you owned suddenly rise from the grave like Christmas carolers.

7. BITCOIN DOES A SMALL PUMP AND PEOPLE CALL FOR ATH BY NEW YEAR
Santa’s sleigh must be carrying leverage.

8. YOU START DOING MENTAL MATHS LIKE IF IT KEEPS PUMPING 2 PERCENT A DAY…
It will not pump 2 percent a day. But we believe anyway.

9. FOMO BECOMES THE TRUE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS
Tis the season to buy candles.

10. EVERYONE SUDDENLY BECOMES A HOLIDAY-THEMED MARKET ANALYST
CT turns into a bizarre mix of finance and festive improv.

Whether it lasts a day, a week, or disappears faster than your holiday savings, one thing’s certain: Crypto gets weirdly festive this time of year.

Now grab your hot chocolate, mute the bears, and enjoy the holiday volatility while it lasts. Here’s hoping the only red you see is on the Christmas jumper, not the charts.

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

@chainyoda “crypto was fun but have you heard of GPUs”

[Rugtelegraph @rugtelegraph]

@chainyoda “crypto was fun but have you heard of GPUs”