sad-a-saurus

Bio beware

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Me: *knocking on a peanut butter jar like a glass ketchup bottle for hours* Come on

Wife: *giving me one last tearful look as she steps out the door forever*

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Wife: What are you eating?

Me: [eating a potato that I peeled like a banana] panana

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐘𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐨𝐧

As in I’m dragon everyone else down with me

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Odysseus: [tying me to the mast as a siren deterrent]

Me: I bet Jason and the Argonauts say “Fleece Navidad” at Christmas

Odysseus: That’ll do it

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Fidel Castro going into the UN

[Crazy Clips @crazyclipsonly]

There's no way

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

You know how our phones have a hard time taking a picture of another screen? And you know how you can’t take a good picture of the moon? Ain’t no way that’s a space rock.

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Why is popcorn the only socially acceptable food to eat like a crazed monkey scooping out the insides of a coconut? We should broaden the list

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

My two year old running in with his 9th pack of fruit snacks

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

I fear the only thing keeping my wife from divorcing me is my persistent threat to retain custody of her Stanley cups.

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Good people: That’s a vase

Awful folk: Tis a vahhhhhhhhzzzzzee

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Me: when you lose a tooth you put it under your pillow for the tooth fairy!

Son: what do you do when you lose your sense of wonder?

Me:

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Too many circumstances and not enough pomp

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Guard 1: One of us always lies and one of us always tells the truth

Guard 2: That shirt looks dumb on you and I hate it. You also look like the kind of guy that still thinks he can play football.

Me: Oh. I’m guessing he tells the tru-

Guard 1: *sigh* yeah you can go through

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Fortune Cookie: Stop boiling your bacon

Me: Ha never *flips fortune over*

Fortune: Then we have no choice.

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Dad what was it like watching Aragorn say, “For Frodo” in theaters?

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Friend: Who ate all of the Nerd Clusters?

Me:

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Gonna start doing this to wasps nests

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Me: I’m excited for the bears this year

Friend: Yeah! They’ve made lots of big trades and their draft shou-

Me: Hope those scary beasts get to eat a bunch of salmon and berries

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Yeah right I shaved everything but my moustache

[BBC News (World) @BBCWorld]

Mental-health crisis from pandemic was minimal, study suggests https://t.co/onndfrA5Tv

[sad-a-saurus @sad_saurus]

Every married guy seeing the asteroid: Oh shoot it’s Valentine’s Day?!

[Latest in space @latestinspace]

BREAKING 🚨: NASA is monitoring an asteroid that could collide with Earth on Valentine's Day in 2046

'a 1 in 400 chance'