Sam Batson

my family was taken from me in a tragic green eggs and ham incident please don't bring it up
Longwood University Alum

[Kamala Harris @KamalaHarris]

What happened to “any time, any place”?

[Sam Batson @sambats2]

"Stay prayed up" I say to my ex-wife when she picks up the kids after my only day of the week with them.

[grace spelman @GraceSpelman]

sometimes you love a show so much & can be so depressed & bored that you merge every episode with its subtitles and then set up a VLC filter that screenshots every single frame of every single episode and then you pick out your favorite jokes and schedule 3 years worth of tweets

[Netflix @netflix]

Never thinking about lemons the same way again thanks to The Fall of the House of Usher.

[Sam Batson @sambats2]

Gonna start adding "what police describe as" to my daily repertoire for some extra spice.

I will be going to what police describe as your mom's house later tonight

[Sam Batson @sambats2]

I have joined Threads and one of the most popular accounts is just a potato that just says things like "Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee!...Actually don't talk to me at all! 🤣🤣🤣" like I thought we sealed these demons away back in 2014.

[Merriam-Webster @MerriamWebster]

@ITYSL Not trying to be funny. Not trying to get a laugh. We don't want anybody to have the worst day at their job.

But…

[Tom McKay @thetomzone]

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says "looks like meat's back on the menu boys" how does he know what a menu is

[Andy Cortez (didn't pay for the blue check) @TheAndyCortez]

John Wick 4 should be preserved in the Library of Congress

[Netflix @netflix]

I Think You Should Leave with Tim Robinson Season 3 premieres May 30!

[Sam Batson @sambats2]

They should let runway models do a silly walk at the end of fashion shows

[Sam Batson @sambats2]

The WOKE MOB controlling my son's school system MANDATED he get the Moderna shot and now he won't stop doing this just 2 DAYS LATER. Still think it's safe??!? WAKE UP!! #BidensAmerica

[astrid ∞ sam era 🇵🇸 @neganslvr]

new hobbit dinner pic!!!!

[Shea Serrano @SheaSerrano]

popstar is probably the most underrated comedy of the past ten years — it’s so fucking funny

[Mandy Patinkin @PatinkinMandy]

Anybody want a peanut!?

[Sam Batson @sambats2]

Me when I say gracias instead of thank you

[Susan Gonzalez (@susangonzalez.bsky.social) @TheNewsan]

THE STUDENT LOAN DEBT RELIEF APPLICATION IS OPEN TELL YOUR FRIENDS https://t.co/wCFqwrHJGB