amish!eli will be real in 24 hours

this website sucks

[soup�� @thrluv]

turns out the honeymoon phase lasts forever when your bf isn’t a fkn loser

[Arsha🐴🎧⚧️ @theymergirl]

Moved back in with my parents for a year now and it really feels like this

[extra cheese extra ketchup @raepoopy]

Imagine there’s no six seven and no among us too

[pinkie @pinkamaniaa]

if you’re wondering what the fuck is wrong with me imagine how i feel

[Ron Iver @ronnui_]

Beer is amazing, I can't believe we have a human tradition going back ten thousand years of crafting a beverage that makes you get kicked out of Moana

[meredith 🍉 @dietz_meredith]

just stomped on the geico gecko and the sound it made was crazy. like wet fireworks

[josef k hole @poeticdweller]

Sorry for being such a bitch yesterday i havent had an ice cream cone in like 4 days

[tex @texmeplease]

doordashing one bacteria

[fish marriage @corviiid]

the variants of writer's block which are like. variant 1: you can't write anyting except "the". variant 2: you CAN write, but the story in your head is pretty good and the words on the page are "There goes Spot. See Spot run. Go, Spot, go!" variant 3: the centipede gets you

[suki @soupkis]

you might be someone’s nothingburger but you’re my everythingbagel

[Kameron “KY” Yung , DDS @DaveFreese6]

A guy at the pro shop today said that his “swamp ass is so bad he was hydroplaning on the toilet seat”. Never heard that one before. May be adding it to the bag.

[BoringKate @BoringNerdyKate]

Me: *touching my girlfriend*

My girlfriend: *touching me*

Me (thinking to myself): This is so fucked up of me. I'm being so selfish rn. I'm getting to feel her touch AND to touch her. What's she even getting in return? Probably nothing comparable.

[KT @cranberrysace]

this happened to me in real life

[lex (pinned!) ❦ @atropalex]

whenever i hear ‘horseradish’ this is what i see in my head

[ash ✧ @ashyaywoohoo]

i am a zoologist and i have made an amazing discovery

[turbomander @turbomander]

greetings everyone. as some of you might have noticed, a spell of unknown origin has caused all boners to now make a "boioioing" sound effect. the king's wizards are working tirelessly to try and reverse it, but in the meantime please refrain from any undue erections until then.

[tod @ducketod]

I can't stop putting him in touching situations

#projecthailmary

[•ᴗ- @evadentz]

we should ban teenagers from ALL media. and then on their 16th birthday they are brought to a theatre to be shown a movie of a train coming directly at them to see if they react and flee in horror like they did in 1896