mother ugly 🍆

im the fucking lizard king

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

the worms are their money, the bones are their dollars

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

my @amazon account has been locked for 2 months and they won't fucking tell me why or help me. "you'll get an email" they've said 3 times to which I never received an email

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

what the fuck

[Maybe: Kee. @nursekeee]

Date your partner. Compliment your partner. Don’t ever get comfortable because it’s been awhile. Quickest way to lose someone is to stop doing the things you did to get them. Keep it going ❤️

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

itd be great if I knew more hot men

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

WHY DO I FEEL GUILTY

[SLIM 🫧 @_slimarella_]

gentle reminder:

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

I just watched some kids try and ding dong ditch me from my window and it made me smile ngl

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

we love a good blocking

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

good riddance you whiny dumb fuck

[Shihoin🦋 @thatslaa]

I lowkey don't wanna tell anyone what's going on in my life anymore.

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

I watched the first episode of wandavision and it was so boring, I was so excited and now I dont even want to watch anymore

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

my sister calls blankets "blanklets" and it makes me giggle every time

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

@yasmindabs yes just moved two days ago from co!

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

I applied for a caretaker position and they were offering $10/hr, is it just me or is that ridiculously low? granted the job is in vegas, but damn that's so below what I was expecting

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

I SAW A REAL LIFE SHOOTING STAR

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

@tsunderegirIs I had an 8 year age gap, just think about where they are in their lives and if you'd fit into it and be okay keeping up

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

@faeriebites colorado!

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

the cramps be out to get me

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

@tsunderegirIs I suggest being in similar stages of life

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

@nicksinHD love you more

[mother ugly 🍆 @samhamandbacon]

slide my car in black ice on my way to california and smashed my car against a guard rail leaving my car undrivable in the middle of nowhere and the closest repair shop my insurance covers is 100 miles away 🤙🏻 spending the night crying in a hotel, wish me luck for tomorrow