sam noorani

writer and performer of nonsense things and Mario Kart Tourer

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Yeah, it's cool to find money in your coat from last year. But have you ever found perfectly wrapped super+ tampon in an old purse?

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Cleaning up my jokes just to realize that solid 2 minutes is at best a decent 35 seconds

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

I had a dream last night that I did 6 minutes on a rant about (at?) Jordan Peterson. It went over okay.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Being a ghost would be cool, free rent just right off the bat.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

A male OBGYN is the ultimate in mansplaining

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Yooo.. Offspring's Americana still slaps

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Saturn isn't losing her rings, she's just getting her groove back

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Jan 6 hearing!! Shut up everyone - my stories are on!!

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

@potheadchimp I got meaning out of it

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

The twist at the end of the Hell of a Cruise doc is the surprise covid ptsd that none of us knew we had.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Now my mom can order her own damn grandkids

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Not having to make idle chit chat because I need to drain my tiny lady bladder is really helping my depression. Sincerely grateful for being left the hell alone during banking hours.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Everytime I take a rapid results test, I come out negative for covid. I feel like I'm just wasting tests now?

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

@potheadchimp

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

You can tell my age by counting all the sags around my aging trampstamp.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Happy April Fools. If we talked today, everything I said was a lie.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Scheduling anything on April 1st will always sound like a scam.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

@leah_sampson1 I hope it's girthy. That's where the magic happens.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

I look forward to hearing all of the Coco Melon bits your children will do at mics in 20 years.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

Motion to shorten disclosure to just D. You can get the full D or a partial D.

[sam noorani @samnoorani_]

If you dump a bowl of m&ms on your genitals, then all of them can be the sexy one.