Jonathan Thomas

just some dude. (he/him)

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Stacking dirty laundry in the hamper, higher and higher until the heat and pressure of the pile causes the lower layers to metamorphose into slate.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

White midwesterners when the whole band leaves the stage and the drummer solos for 11 straight minutes:

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Without fail, every time I remember to use the poo-pourri I always shit so much that it stacks up above the water line and negates it. If the witch who hexed me to this fate is out there reading this, come say what you gotta say to my face bitch 🖕

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Trying to find a way to make my baby brother understand, without hurting his feelings, that if God himself came down and said "you must read this Five Nights At Freddie's spin-off novella," I would say SEND ME TO HELL

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Browsing the #BookTok section at my local Barnes & Noble:

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

RIP Cormac "The Gigachad" McCarthy. I own 5 of your books that I promise I'll read someday.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Often wonder if there is something uniquely wrong with boomers' sense of humor, or if there's some kind of aging hormone that turns you from a quick-witted sarcastic jokester into the kind of guy who sends old far side clippings in the mail.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Evil Dead Rise (2023)

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

I'm not your typical white boy. When the Hello Fresh instructions say to add half a packet of Garam Masala, I add the WHOLE packet. One whole teaspoon 🥵

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Putting the death of capitalism on hold for the Bath & Body Works buy-3-get-3 🏴🕯

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

All these men with bachelor's degrees getting their knickers in an absolute twist in the comments 😂
There's no need to fuss. I'm a "sophisticated" "professional" wfh software developer, and there is NOTHING stopping me from doing this. In fact, let me get my trunks.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

There's no dignified way to shit in a public restroom. I'm in there struggling, pants around my ankles, while Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" is blaring out of the ceiling 😭

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Drill holes for drywall anchors even though your lease says not to. Become ungovernable 🏴

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

A man with no dick wanted to startle me while I was walking down the street today. But gas is $4 a gallon, so instead of redlining his truck, he just screamed "AAAGGH" out the window as loud as he could as he drove past 🤣

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

*me choking on the poison fumes coming from a 6-dimensional squid-worm that eats dreams*: lol. *cough* he's just a lil guy *cough cough* a lil fella

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

My toxic trait is believing that if I encountered an eldritch horror from beyond space and time, I would simply, comprehend it.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Oh my god... for weeks now, I have been confusing Werner Herzog and Lars von Trier in my head, treating them like the same person. Holy crap, dude. Don't ask why either of them has been coming up so often for me, it's not important.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Every day I wake up and thank God that I never got into pop punk.

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Can't tell you the betrayal I felt when I found out the popcorn they sell in those big tins at Christmas is all covered in CHEETO DUST 🤮🤮🤮 crime against humanity

[Jonathan Thomas @samohtj96]

Reading Fire and Blood, and slowly realizing that George RR Martin has 1000% read erotic fanfic of his own books. Maybe even written some. Lots of real AO3 baloney going on in that book, like to an uncomfortable level.