sam petrie

bruh

[sam petrie @Sampetrie7]

Is it too late now to say sorry? @ liver

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

I can go from researching a cramp on WebMD to coffin shopping in under 90 seconds.

[Ryan @ryanadsett]

ISIS: We're going to take over the UK.
UK:

[Eric, apparently @GabiGibb]

The boys are back? But this is

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

Obamacare has been replaced by a coupon for 10% off a kale smoothie at a Whole Foods and a pamphlet on giving yourself a home colonoscopy

[sam petrie @Sampetrie7]

@LoganToole48 thanks buddy miss you too

[Dr. Bucky Isotope, PhD Bioplasticity @BuckyIsotope]

ME: I decided to cook for our 1st date
DATE: nice
ME: I’m sort of a foodie
DATE: ok
ME: *sets down plate* these are shaped like dinosaurs

[rodney w. bush @rileywibsor]

just call me bob tarbox

[cowboy heather 🤠 @hthrptty]

*Santa slides down the chimney*
Frat guy: who do you know here

[RollmanInOz @Rollmaninoz]

Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again

[nathan zed @NathanZed]

I'm mad this fit so well

[t @wtwwtww]

i can't believe i'm not butter

[sam petrie @Sampetrie7]

@RealSlimStelly engine room tonight you handsome devil

[Adam Saleh @omgAdamSaleh]

We got kicked out of a @Delta airplane because I spoke Arabic to my mom on the phone and with my friend slim... WTFFFFFFFF please spread

[Donald J. Trump @realDonaldTrump]

We should tell China that we don't want the drone they stole back.- let them keep it!