Sam

[Sam @samthepartyham]

I’m probably my brother’s ex girlfriend’s biggest fan on ig & i’m not sorry

[🦅 @ilovewikipedia]

i am pregnant taking 10 Tylenol a day in hopes my son becomes the greatest Magic the Gathering player in the world

[Sam @samthepartyham]

feels like a good day to check my ex’s spotify

[vivian @blewmarine]

if i had rabies i think i would be chill about it… I wouldn’t foam at the mouth or anything crazy

[basith @basithladoo]

to do list:
bite the hand that feeds me
put all my eggs in one basket
kill two birds with one stone
let the cat out of the bag
think inside the box
burn bridges
walk on thin ice
play with fire

[evil gale @evilgale]

can we hangout one thousand times

[Sam @samthepartyham]

a warm up I never skip is sitting in my parked car for 15 minutes before a workout 😤💪

[rin ☾⋆⁺₊⋆🇵🇸 @rinnystarr]

worried i’ll log into work tomorrow to an email that says “you are in BIG trouble and we all hate you”

[Sam @samthepartyham]

what if you dont want to date any of the guys on tinder? or any of your brother’s best friends? or any of your exes? or any coworkers? then what?

[Sam @samthepartyham]

there should be a discount if you’ve been wanting something for a long time

[ppigg @s4m31p4n]

What do you buy for a bagel who has everything

[Sam @samthepartyham]

I respect when a coffee shop doesn’t give a fuck about how bad their parking situation is

[Jeremy Lindenfeld @jeremotographs]

Who should I marry, though?

[dez @LUSTFULFOO]

before we end things can u change my car oil

[cindy ✯ @RUNYOMONEY]

the concept of a first date leading to a healthy monogamous romantic relationship

[Keara Sullivan @superkeara]

Your password must contain two characters who talk to each other about something other than a man

[garshmo @garshmo]

We dated as friends

[bailey ☆ ★ @couldawentpro]

at the job interview with one airpod in