Samuel Gilroy

Low maintenance. Comedy writer. All around nice guy.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@realDonaldTrump Lololol not even close, bud. :)

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@Mike_Pence @VP @Franklin_Graham God hates you.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@realDonaldTrump Will you shut the fuck up all ready? Jesus, you're annoying.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@realDonaldTrump FUCK!

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@IvanTraczuk That you have good taste.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@thatjoshuakid I think my dog needs to trim my butt hair.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@ETimmsy @criterionchannl @criterionchannl Don't make him ask again...

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

I believe in Amelia Earhart the same way I do tge Loch Ness Monster... I bet she's still out there somewhere, livin' peacefully.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

I think we've outed ourselves as a yucky society with our massive toilet paper demand without an equally massive butt wipes demand.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

You are about to enter a new dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of single ply...

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

I think it's high time we call this epidemic what it really is...

IT'S A 23-19!

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@MRARS97 Would you fuck me? I'd fuck me.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

Hey @the_fred_savage, I'm sick with the flu. Please ask your grandpa to sit by my bedside and read me "The Princess Bride."

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@mazenz94 "You'll shoot your eye out, you piece of shit."

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@MRARS97

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

I'm fairly certain the little boy who saw his mommy kissing Santa Claus was so traumatized and full of resentment he grew up to become the sexual predator in "Baby It's Cold Outside."

Anyway, Merry Christmas.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@GaryGulman @mbonfiglio2000 @GaryGulman I can attest to this. You shook my hand at The Comedy Cellar and it was one of the most inspiring moments of 2019.

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@LeighTVReporter That looks pretty good

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

@avgilroy0517

[Samuel Gilroy @samuel_gilroy]

Engineers in Scotland have developed a device that can taste and detect fake, or "counterfeit," whiskeys. The device has been so well received by whiskey enthusiasts, they literally can't stop barfing and pissing themselves. #jokes