Samuel Beam

Free butter hugs

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

@MerdieMer Leave me alone it was only like 10 minutes

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

"It's never too cold for cold brew" I say smugly sipping my coffee while my lips turn blue.

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

Having money in your venmo when you didn't expect it is the modern equivalent of finding money in an old pair of pants

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

The American measurement system feels like some one took Legos, Mega Blocks, and Lincoln Logs and tried to make them into one functional building.

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

@devourfoods Hot cheetos...

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

Had a girl at work today tell me about how her mom pops her dad's back pimples in vivid detail.. Kids will tell you everything.

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

I raw eat cookie dough and hot cheetos for dinner and my body has the audacity to act like that's a bad thing.

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

@MerdieMer: "why do seashells sound like the ocean... Is it cause the noise is stuck in there?"

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

4 y.o. At work: " I have an aggressive cough.... *blank stare*... Aggressive like the ducks at the park.

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

6 y.o. In my class trying to read cursive:" .......i don't read Spanish."

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

Hey guys I just legitimately burped my 20 year old girlfriend... That is all

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

Ah glad to see you enjoy saucy chicken nuggets.

[Caleb Hull @CalebJHull]

boneless wings > traditional wings

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

@aclarke_4: "if I blow my nose hard enough snot oozes out my eye"

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

First day of fall semester versus first day of spring semester

[Josh Beam @Joshuakbeam]

There are only two types of Christians:

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

Anyone else get too excited when buying people's gifts and end up spending way more then you meant to but don't care cause you're so excited about the gift?

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

There is no anxiety worse than knowing your alarm is about to go off again after you hit snooze.

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

@AaronRodriguez3 @OldNavy Yesssss

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

Calculating the grade I need to pass > actually studying

[Samuel Beam @SamuelBeam1]

A three year old I teach today called diarrhea "poop juice" and I just wanted everyone to share the burden I now carry knowing this phrase...