santaispissed

Real name Kris Kringle. Heavy drinker. Not a freaking elf. Not jolly.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Goodbye 2014. 6 thank you's from my Twitter followers. 7 billion+ bitching about their gifts. Please, Jesus. Let me quit or die.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Caleb, I saw that you returned that shirt I brought you. Doesn't fit? Stop playing video games and get your fat ass outside.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

The Mrs. bought me a book on nutrition and fitness. Most expensive piece of kindling I've ever received.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Done tweeting for the night. My hands hurt. Cold. And, honestly, pretty drunk. Merry Christmas, bastards. I'm sleeping in.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Just dropped off some gifts in Mexico. Got the sleigh reupholstered while there.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

They say everything's bigger in Texas. True. This hemorrhoid is proof. #almostfinished

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Counting down the minutes until I get out of this sweaty red suit, take a shower, and crawl in bed. #nakedbutstainedred

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Almost done delivering to you bastards. No need to thank me. Why break tradition?

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

I just heard that "Text Me Merry Christmas" song. To ease the pain, I shoved an ice pick deep in my ears. #muchbetternow

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Dear Janie, I can not bring your dad back to you. Sorry. But, I have to be honest with you. He's not really your dad. Merry Christmas.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

If you're watching the NORAD tracker, zoom in real close. Can you see my finger?

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Every kid who opens a Nicki Minaj CD from me this year will find a turd inside. No, I didn't tamper with it. The turd comes standard.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Had an elf stow away on the sleigh this year. Wanted to "see the world." I flew him into space and threw him out George Clooney style.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

What did YOU get Jesus this year? Oh, that's right. Nothing.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Those Russian kids are a good group. No screwing around with cookies. Vodka and cigarettes for Santa. And let's not forget mommy Natasha.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

You saw mommy kissing me? How long did you stay around after that kiss? #thoughtthekitchendoorwaslocked

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Threw my back out today. Not by lifting gifts. By lifting your mom.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

It's not too late for me to consider your suggestions of chimneys I should take a dump in. #theoriginalpoopchute

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

Ass aching. Out of rum. Lost my pants along the way. Just another Wednesday.

[santaispissed @santaispissed]

That John Mayer was not kidding about Olivia. I just met with her in Australia. And John, she was knocking at my door. And I DID let her in.