sarcasticschoolpsychologist

IG @sarcasticschoolpsychologist

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Student: I want to put you in jail.

Me: That’s fine but I’m using my phone call to call and ask you how a thermometer and a timer are alike.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

11-year-old client during the ADOS:
Action figure 1 to action figure 2:
“You haven’t paid your taxes!”
AF 2: “I need the money to pay child support!”
AF 1: “You still have to pay taxes.”
AF 2: “I’ll get a job at Starbucks. Or McDonald’s but the ice cream machine never works.”

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Me: Tell me all of the words you can think of that start with F.

Kid: **looks around nervously

Me: Go ahead and say it.

Kid: **exhales

(Sixty seconds later….)

Me: Tell me all of the words you can think of that start with A.

Kid: **smiles mischievously

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

My nephew wrote this on the back of his drawing and I’m dying. 😆

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

If school psychologists had time to go to therapy:

Therapist: So what’s weighing you down?

Me: Tosses two 20 lb stacks of files that need reports written in her lap.

Therapist: I see…**scoots chair further away and asks nervously** Anything else?

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

What shoppers think when they see the school supply display @Target in July:

Parents: Why bother? I’ve still got kids at home for another 6 weeks.

College students: Forget pens, Target sells alcohol now doesn’t it?

Teachers: F—k you. I’m getting all my supplies at @Walmart

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Educators October-June: Going to Target is my therapy.

Educators when they see the school supply section on full display in July: Screw you Target. And screw your dollar stop too.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Me: You’re a great reader. Do you read a lot at home?

Kid: Yes

Me: What do you like to read about?

Kid: History

Me: If you could go back to any time in history where would you go?

Kid: The 80s (1980)

Me: **tries not to cry as I realize my childhood is now “historical”**

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Happy Mother’s Day to all of the elementary school educators out there who’ve had a kindergartener ask if you’re having a baby because you accidentally wore an empire waist dress to school.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Parent: I think he might be schizophrenic. He keeps saying there are voices in his head.

The voices:

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Me: Just one more page and this report is finished.

Brain: Nope.

Me: It’s 90% done-just get it over with.

Brain: Unh-uh.

Me: If we finish we can watch Bridgerton.

Brain: Or we can watch it now.

Me: Don’t.

Brain: Yup. **sends signal to hand to pick up remote**

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

@h_miller76 from me, my students, and all those struggling with mental health issues and mental illness, THANK YOU. I have no doubt that telling your story just saved someone else’s life. You are a beacon of light and courage. ♥️

[TODAY @TODAYshow]

“The dilemma is that nobody has to say something, but that is precisely why somebody has to say something.”

Ohio State University football star Harry Miller (@h_miller76) joins us to discuss his decision to step away from football to focus on mental health.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

The other day my friend was talking about a time that she got really angry, but realized underneath it was actually fear.

Then she said, “Anger is easier to feel because then you aren’t the target.”

And that’s how I’ll be explaining anger to parents from now on.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

@jennieonthedock That’s me all of the nows.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Me: *Looks outside and sees snow falling*

My brain: “It is cold outside and many of the roads are icy.”

Me: Oh Lord.

My brain: “Unless you have permission you are not allowed to go swimming.”

Me: Please stop.

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Who says school psychology isn’t sexy?

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

This book is gorgeous but I’m still going to underline the shit out of it. I’ll be carrying it around like a newborn baby for weeks. Thank you @brenebrown and thank you to your research team for giving us this amazing gift. ♥️

#atlasoftheheart #brenebrown #mapmakers

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

I said “cooked.”

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

Santa: And what would you like for Christmas?

Me: A manageable caseload.

Santa: How about something more realistic like world peace?

[sarcasticschoolpsychologist @sarcschoolpsych]

There’s no better feeling than the five minutes of delusional bliss after you decide to get up early and do it in the morning.