Sassminster

Breaking down the days news into funny chunks of honesty!
Original meme material.

[Hannah @hannahchrstina]

look, unfortunately I am going to have to be paid more than £82,000 per year, or I’ll have no choice but to do a corruption, I am a good person who should be trusted as a lawmaker btw

[Claudia Webbe @ClaudiaWebbe]

• If you export bombs
• Don’t complain about importing refugees

[Sassminster @sassminster]

@nvh65 It's a factory on hermes close. Apparently q chemical explosion, my daughter is working at Jump In next to it.

[Nish Kumar @MrNishKumar]

Ah here’s the famously liberal Prime Minister saying more liberal things like “more chain gangs”

[MR @MarcusRashford]

Just heard @spectator are planning to run a story on me tomorrow about how I have benefitted commercially in the last 18 months…To clarify, I don’t need to partner with brands. I partner because I want to progress the work I do off the pitch and…(1)

[Mike Galsworthy @mikegalsworthy]

That first sentence - WHAT?!... 😂

[The Secret Barrister 🦋 @BarristerSecret]

Three of the reasons I have published 2 books and 5,000 tweets since 2015:

1) I sleep 1 hour a night
2) I am professionally very unsuccessful
3) I have substituted a family life for drinking alone while staring at my phone

Which of these three strategies is the hardest for you?

[Sassminster @sassminster]

@noelsheedy @PigeonFeatherz @PhillipDJMorgan @MoJGovUK @RobertBuckland @MoJPress Ah yes rhe true meaning of life...survival. What a joyous philosophy.

[Sassminster @sassminster]

This is ace!

[Adam Payne @adampayne26]

Laughter from MPs as Michael Gove says: “Transparency drives everything this government does”

[Adam Bienkov @AdamBienkov]

“Shall I... also dress as a flag?"

[Nish Kumar @MrNishKumar]

Wait. What.

[Carole Cadwalladr @carolecadwalla]

OMG. I am dying. I am deceased. The greatest £63 I have ever spent.

[Sassminster @sassminster]

@lesmillsUK wow, missed cancelling subscription by a few minutes and am being charged £95. Pathetic email back froma service which has probably trebled its profits during covid. Appalling.

[Keith Burge @carryonkeith]

If I have this right, Nicola Sturgeon is accused of lying to the Scottish Parliament and the BBC reports that if found guilty she will ‘have to resign’, but Boris Johnson has been proven to lie to the UK Parliament multiple times and is able to do so with impunity.

[James O'Brien @mrjamesob]

Tell 'em it's blue?

[James O'Brien @mrjamesob]

UK can't close its border because it's an island 'unlike Australia', says Grant Shapps https://t.co/M7hoiwesl6

[Rosie Holt @RosieisaHolt]

Right I’m sorry I don’t want to cause more strife on Twitter but. This is my least favourite of all the lockdowns. I’m so sorry lockdown 3 fans but this is the rubbishist out of the trilogy. Noone is even making bread this time.