Batman

Any guy in his right mind would die to play Batman.

[Batman @savingotham]

Spent the better part of three hours trying to convince Joker that Obama has nothing to do with the high laughing gas prices.

[Batman @savingotham]

Time for my annual Super Bowl tradition of reading cold case files and not giving a crap.

[Batman @savingotham]

So excited. "Agents of I.D.O.N.T.G.I.V.E.A.C.R.A.P." is on.

[Batman @savingotham]

I was really hoping Steve's iPhone 4 "one more thing" would be a built-in grappling hook.

[Batman @savingotham]

I take Robin more seriously than I do North Korea.

[Batman @savingotham]

Gave a kid one of my serrated "Disemboweler" Batarangs tonight. He loved it, but I've got to get some mementos that are less lethal.

[Batman @savingotham]

The staff at Whole Foods accused me of "bruising the fruit," whatever that means. On an unrelated note, I HATE CANTALOUPES!

[Batman @savingotham]

I swear by the night, by my family name, and by the eternal flame of justice, to never watch an episode of Duck Dynasty.

[Batman @savingotham]

Must Have Decorations For Your Room - https://t.co/C0ZZYTRjD6

[Batman @savingotham]

Wow. I think I might have just invented a way to use salt and vinegar chips as a weapon.

[Batman @savingotham]

Funniest Wedding Photos - https://t.co/1Q7jaH99zN

[Batman @savingotham]

Things I'm Over: Acid lapel flowers. Poisonous lipstick. Kardashians.

[Batman @savingotham]

I am Vengeance. I am the Night. I am not fighting a mob of rioting idiots trying to save twenty bucks on a crappy cell phone.

[Batman @savingotham]

I’d be more interested in this debate if it included a ninja sword round.

[Batman @savingotham]

Top Selling Singles Of All Time - https://t.co/JA8zYv5q19

[Batman @savingotham]

Dear citizens whose cars were parked on Lower 5th: Sorry about your driver’s side mirrors. However, the toxic purple paint wasn’t my fault.

[Batman @savingotham]

Hey look, it's the very first Superman comic. I'll take 2 copies. One to display in the trash, the other to throw in trash. SUCK IT, SUPES.

[Batman @savingotham]

"Why so serious?" My parents are dead. Oh, and my Starbucks finally stopped offering the Pumpkin Spice Latte.

[Batman @savingotham]

Here’s hoping Ra's al Ghul crashes my birthday party again. Better to put my guests' lives in danger than actually have to talk to them.

[Batman @savingotham]

For the last time, I’m down here looking for DNA traces... NOT “TEBOWING.”