Hermes Trismegistus

I’m only a waste of time once you get to know me.

[Ramin Nasibov @RaminNasibov]

genius

[Based Jessica @RealJessica]

You can tell by her reaction this is not her first child.

[Stephen Procter @steveaprocter]

@TomWoodstom I've got an old tin full of marks, francs, lira and pesetas just in case the Euro folds...

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

Like the great Fred Flintstone once said, "Why tell you wife the truth if you don't have too?"

[Diego Lopez @thisdiegolopez]

I don’t understand why so many Americans are confused about how offsides works in soccer. It’s easy, if anything exciting happens, that’s offsides.

[Jason, ex Inferis @benedictsred]

Advil should have as many flavors as mountain dew

[Thrilla the Gorilla @ThrillaRilla369]

When I point the remote directly at the TV, nothing happens.
If I accidentally drop it between the couch cushions, it switches from Netflix to Hulu, opens four apps, changes the subtitles to Portuguese, and somehow starts playing Christmas music.

[ɢʀɛɛռ ɢօɖ @iGreenGod]

I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

[Sophie2078 @Sophie2078]

human beings were not designed to remember this many passwords

[Amber Woods @AmberWoods100]

During the apocalypse, the billionaires, celebrities, politicians and Royals will be safe in their bunkers. It'll be someone's job to drop live rattlesnakes down their air vents...that's where I come in.

[Chris @citehchris]

thought my date was going well but at the end she booped me on the head with her box of leftovers and said “take care sport”

[Not Today Eric @NotTodayEric]

How is it 2026 and we still don’t have a dustpan that doesn’t leave a line.

[𓃵 @Themalickwrld]

J'ai demandé a mon vieux voisin le Pourquoi je ne devrais pas retourner avec mon ex ? Il me balance que :
Si tu vois le même arbre 2 fois dans une forêt c'est que tu t'es perdu

[Daphne @daphneeblahblah]

Mi escena favorita en la historia del cine es cuando kung fu panda se entera que su papá ganso no es su papá biológico

[Henpecked Hal @HenpeckedHal]

It's hard to believe how much technology has changed our daily lives. I used to have to drive to a store to buy something. Now I simply order it with the click of a button and have it delivered. Then, when it arrives and isn't what I'd hoped for, I drive to a store to return it.

[Mike Bales 🫡🇺🇸 @MikeBales]

It's a goat, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford slowing down to take a look at me.

[Kat @ollkorrect0]

On the bright side, I was easily the hottest person in the ER at 2am