Schlimp

sensual

[Schlimp @schlimp]

[Babysitting]
"No, no - don't drink the bleach sweetie. It'll kill you."
"Oh, thanks. You're really smart for a 4 year old."

[Schlimp @schlimp]

@ProperDemocrat @will_hi_lol Cheers

[Schlimp @schlimp]

@will_hi_lol @ProperDemocrat

[Schlimp @schlimp]

"What a shit day, at least it's not raining"

*looks up at the sky*

*gets run over by a stampede of horny cows*

[Schlimp @schlimp]

"I'm only doing this to impress people on the Internet" - Me graciously letting an old woman have my seat on the bus

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Racists are so dumb, I'd honestly love for someone to come over here and take my job. Take it, it's yours, good luck buddy

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Crazy how unreported the story is that all New York taxi drivers are honking because they're horny.

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Just set tweet deck to send a tweet for me in 80 years, saying "great signal in this casket 10/10"

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Life hack: commit a smallish crime to get a month's free subscription to the prison gym

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Me: Linda, can I use your toothbrush? I forgot to pack mine.
Linda: Course you can babe.
*Uses it to scrape mud off my new trainers*

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

What idiot called it 'telling the future through tea-leaves' and not 'brews foresight'?

[Andy Ryan @ItsAndyRyan]

PIG: "I'm paranoid everyone's trying to turn me into bacon"
PSYCHIATRIST: "I'll cure you"
PIG: "Oh God, not you too"

[Schlimp @schlimp]

*Returns from the past*
CHIEF: We think you misunderstood the mission.
ME: What? No way
*CHIEF points to a statue of me kissing Hitler*

[Paul @bingowings14]

There's a special place in Hull reserved for the inventor of autocorrect.

[Paul @bingowings14]

'Enter new password'

Gouda

'Password is not strong enough'

VintageCheddar

[Schlimp @schlimp]

@schlimp cos it's a werehouse and that

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Here's a picture of my house and a picture of my house when there's a full moon

[Schlimp @schlimp]

Tina, please stop telling people my Netflix queue is nothing but Meg Ryan movies. My breakdancing crew are freaking out

[Schlimp @schlimp]

I've cultivated my look so that if I ever marry a dowdy homely millionaire, no one will suspect me of only doing it for the money