Melanie Carson

sassy pants 9000 ♉️

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

Ever gets any milk out, never latches on correctly, the battery dies after one session, and the damn thing hardly ever charges. Y’all really suck. You guys make a stressful experience, such as providing food for your baby, an even more horrible one @elvie

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

@elvie you literally have the worst breast pump in the world and should be ashamed charging people as much as you do for it. I’ve had every single part replaced, so not only does it do this with the first one, but the second one too. this pump AWAYS leaks milk everywhere, hardly

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

There’s nothing someone should be more scared of in this world than a mom who feels threatened. I literally understand why mama bears go buck wild now 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Nike @Nike]

Motherhood looks different for everyone. But no matter what you do or how you do it, you are the toughest athlete.

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

If it’s not one thing is always another 😔

[snoop @zero_cool1991]

I like when restaurants bring u fresh hot bread swaddled in a blanket like the newborn baby Jesus

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

I had nightmares while I was pregnant about having a baby that doesn’t sleep through the night, but I’m so lucky to have a baby who almost always sleeps 10+ hours a night 😭😭😭

[snoop @zero_cool1991]

I can’t believe u ppl like pulp, who wants to chew their orange juice????

[snoop @zero_cool1991]

Me on my wedding day checking my DM’s to make sure I don’t have any better offers

[Rich O'Toole @RichOToole]

When someone says In N Out is better than Whataburger

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

Brandon just said Chip & Dale when he meant Chip and Joanna 💀💀💀

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

Down

[snoop @zero_cool1991]

If ur about to change the a/c from 73° to 70°, are u turning it up or down?

[Adam @adamgreattweet]

Trying to get the bartender’s attention when you’re not hot

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

What I love most about virtual interviews is I don’t have to wear pants or do the back of my hair :)

[Melanie Carson @schmel_]

This past year has been fucking hell in terms of job search. Once I find my next career, they give me the goddamn run around 🙃

[𝔰𝔲𝔟𝔡𝔞𝔦𝔬. @subdaio]

Spain legalized weed and starting 32 hour work weeks. The “American dream” is now to move out the country lol

[🏴‍☠️ @cursedkief]

you’re telling me I gotta work all day, go to the gym, cook + clean all my meals only to have 1.5 free hours a day after 9 PM to watch TV while braindead, then spend my weekends running errands and cleaning, just to do it all over again next week... until... I’m like 70???