Szymon Rączka

Former video creator, now re-#buildinpublic. Burnout ended my career with 165m+ YouTube views, but I'm not done creating yet.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

I achieved something big today!

Yesterday I got an idea that I'd take my cheap second-hand road bike I bought two months ago and do 100K distance today.

And I did it!

Even though my mind was trying to convince me that I need a special workout plan, more preparation and how bad and imperfect my approach is.

I'm in the process of solving perfectionism with my therapist and this bike became a great lab for me to practice what I learned about myself, the root cause of my problems and how to stop it when it's kicking in.

Because perfectionism in combination with seeking validation and acceptance from others is the reason I turned successful online projects into failure.

I've been working on servicing it and upgrading patiently past many weeks, without my typical intense, hyper focused, quick burnout approach. Waiting for stuff from Ali or finding good second-hand deals. Learning everything on the go, not being afraid and paralyzed I'll make a mistake. And I finished complete groups upgrade on Friday and together with today's trip it feels so good!

I hope to use this new, healthy way in this online space to build things someday.

But now let me lay down for the rest of the day... 😅

P.S. My previous PR was 46 kilometers, and I'm still processing that I really made 100!

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@doodlestein Thanks

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@marckohlbrugge @LucaCaponeX LOL

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

I appreciate your comment but it doesn't make sense. "Money cannot create..." that's the clue. There is a lack of financial stability, if it would be then most likely my wife would go away long time ago, but the situation for over a decade is so overwhelming, she has no energy and resources to make it happen.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

Let's send Phil some supportive energy!

I can kind of relate, because my marriage is mostly held together because of debts and lack of stable income. It's a wake up call to prioritize what is really important for me.

[Philipp Keller @philkellr]

My wife left me after 22 years of marriage.

While I cannot write how this came to be (as with all separations it's complicated), two things I wanna share:

Prioritize family & friends over business: even though I probably couldn't save my marriage I wished I would have spent more time with my wife. It sounds cringe but money can't buy friendship, that's what I'm realizing the past months.

Pain is hard: There's nothing which could have prepared me for this, and there's also no quick fix to get out of the pain. In fact every quick fix makes it worse. I guess it needs time. Lament & distraction. It helps to be with friends but then also alone on the balcony staring into the night.

And please: no pity-replies. I'm not fishing for "poor Phil" comments. Not even sure why I'm writing this, it just somehow needs to get out.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@what_the_func 👏

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

In this hyper productivity focused world I think "wasting" some time to just be present with emotions and work with them is actually beneficial and healthy. Plus we are just strangers from the internet not knowing anything and I think support of specialist and his/her guidance is something best for Phil in this situation.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@strzibnyj So by default coworking = guys working on their projects and more women = refreshing? Sounds like you see them as a pleasant addition rather than just normal people working. It's odd for me. That's why I asked.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@Spectrumofreas1 @philkellr It sounds for me like another "men should act" bias. I believe it is destructive, especially for emotional deep thinkers as Phil.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@nestersk Rat race... perfect term!

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@DenLoginoff Many thanks Denis! I believe figuring this mechanism out I'm on the bright side. ✌️

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

Toxic perfectionism.

Have you ever heard of it?

I didn't until the beginning of this year and it solved the hardest puzzle of my life.

>Why do I get stuck with every project I want to work on?

>Why do ideas similar to mine become successful when other people pursue them, while I'm spinning in circles of procrastination and abandoned unfinished projects?

>Why even when I know what to do, can't I force myself to do it?

I think I have the answer now: a malware in my mind setting unrealistically high standards for EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in my life.

I started noticing it in tiny things like for example choosing the "perfect" power outlet for a charger. 😵‍💫 Then I noticed the worst part, how it affects the way I think.

It is a horrible process. My mind builds a complex chain of linear conditions that must be met. Once it becomes complicated enough I start to avoid it and then switch to another shiny new idea. And guess what?! AI is an amazing tool to "help" me with all of that.

The symptoms I recognized in myself:

- All-or-nothing thinking: believing that if a task isn't 100% perfect, it is a catastrophic failure
- Paralyzing procrastination: avoiding a project because I'm terrified the final result won't be flawless
- Never feeling "good enough": dismissing compliments, not celebrating achievements and feeling like an impostor even after succeeding
- Hyper-focus on end results: ignoring effort, learning process, and personal growth because I'm obsessed with the perfect vision of the final product

At first I thought that this started when my YouTube business collapsed. And yes that definitely made it definitely worse. But it's not the full truth.

Toxic perfectionism was first and big part of that failure came from it. I was making my own and my employees work insanely complicated. The more pressure I felt, the stronger this process became. Algorithms changes on the platforms were like rocket fuel for my anxiety and spiraling into madness that broke me completly 10 years ago.

I feel like a pathetic loser and part of me wants to apologize to all of the good people who were rooting for my success. I made a bunch of project announcements and then disappeared with no execution. But another part of me questions that. Why should I apologize for something I wasn't even aware of?

I don't know what is right to think about it. All I know is that I owe you an explanation and you deserve to know what happened and why I disappeared.

I was building one repo after another, going through the same insane process: starting with a simple idea and ending with a horrendously complex monster.

It was like trying to launch the iPhone 17 Pro without ever shipping the iPhone 1st gen.

On the positive side I learned a lot of tech during this time. And one thing that makes me feel slightly less like shit is that I made several contributions to open-source projects that got merged.

What's next?!

I think I need to accept that my main challenge is not only that I’m financially broke, but that I’m mentally and emotionally broken in the first place. And if I want to actually ship something, I need to take ridiculously small baby steps with extremely simple ideas.

The biggest challenge is facing people who have never experienced this level of mental struggle. They may see my accomplishments as a joke, especially in this "great" AI era where everyone is supposed to ship big things because it is apparently so easy.

Most likely I'm talking to the wall, after being away from here for so long. But even knowing that I feel relief sharing my struggle with the world. I no longer feel the need to hide and pretend I’m ok

I'm grateful for everyone I met on my journey and I really hope there is light at the end of the tunnel for me. I want to give those people proof that their attention, time, energy and money were not wasted.

Thank you! 🫶

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@catalinmpit @documenso I'm in!

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@SamuelBeek Dope! 🤩

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@marckohlbrugge 👌

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@marckohlbrugge Is there something better/worse for LLMs? Like outdated training data for some tool or framework etc.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@what_the_func @dreamsofcode_io I'd recommend you to start figuring out your target group and adjust your message/offer/marketing efforts. It makes everything easier if you know to who you are talking to, but I know it's very hard in the beginning.

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@nestersk That's the new chapter I'm just started. Protective "I'm fine and normal" mechanism finally stopped working and I slowly can see things how they are starting with acceptance. I hope to learn what works best for me, so far I know that I need to be very deliberate about everything

[Szymon Rączka @screenfluent]

@what_the_func @dreamsofcode_io From my perspective you make stuff you THINK there is demand for without KNOWING what people are looking for. While I know of benefits of Go, 99% of the world doesn't care. So, you compete with gazillion of other similar projects, often open source.