Sean Castille

comedy in Nashville 📷 IG seancastillecomedy

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Hey I got you something for you!

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

I came downstairs once and found my daughter at 6 years old watching The Simpsons and I was like noooo but then she watched Homer get in an ambulance and it backed off a cliff and she laughed her butt off. I might be a bad parent but I’m gonna have a fucking funny kid

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

My ex once asked “why do you not do anything to help” and I honestly wasn’t offended. Cause I remembered a memory.

I just landed an interview with a huge esteemed company. And he said
“You need to get a suit”
Then looked at my mother and said
“Can you help him with this?”

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Saw @mulaney and his new special and all I got to ask is this. All those comedians and not even @nickkroll said “we can’t have you become another Andy Dick”? Cmon cmon COMONNNN

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Playing a cool game on my phone right now. It’s called “how many of the girls I once dated are pregnant and seem to be happy” right now

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Dobby in Harry Potter is like an abusive husband. “Yeah I tried to kill you five times but did you know I’m treated like vermin all day too?”

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

#fuckjacksonmahomes

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

@HamlinIsland we are all here for you. Please pull through.

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Plot twist: the amber alert is for him having a stroke

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

It’s that time of year, when you get the sap sucking, live laugh loving farquads with the personality of a fossilized fish make the “see you next year!” Jokes.
I sincerely want corporal punishment for all of them. I want them to be hung by their toenails in the streets.

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Man there’s something comforting about being friends for 5+ years with people on social media you barely know who are slowly looking as bad as you do

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

What is…Beaudreaux Baptist Church during Katrina?

[andres war @_andreswar_]

ur gay af if you recognize this specific location

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

So many European models want to follow me. Am I that British guy in Love Actually who goes to America but it’s all in reverse?

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Someone told me I have Caillou bitch energy this week and I’ve never been so insulted

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

@jimmyfallon looks like the software upgrade for @justinlong

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

#latenighttherapy
I think being divorced has made me choose being friends with certain women rather than trying to be romantically involved with them. Because friendships have a better chance of lasting. And I don’t want to risk losing them.

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Never forget. @ConanOBrien you might need to do an undercover boss episode to uncover what @MattGourley has been dedicating time to.

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

I can tell you how to skin a deer. I have pretentious opinions on shoes. I work in HR. I am a mix of the blue collar, the hipsters, and corporate America.

I’m like an ironic carhartt beanie

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

On that teaching my kid about Green Day more than Jesus vibe

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

I gotta say I was optimistic about Elon’s new Twitter. Then immediately after I have 5 new followers every day. All of them are fake model profile pics of white women named Giovanna, Mina, Mia, Bethe, and Yessica. Half have a verified sticker too…..for like half a second.

[Sean Castille @seacastlez]

Me getting old and fat is making me realize I’m like tim Allen in the Santa Claus just slower