A Minecraft Movie Review
by Jon Graham
The precise moment the first photons from the theater screen reached my retinas when the very first shot of A Minecraft Movie was projected, depicting young Steve in his saturated iconic wardrobe, resting his pickaxe on one shoulder, his steely stare reflecting his yearning for the back-breaking, suffocating, extremely hazardous work within the mines, I felt like astronaut David Bowman in 2001: A Space Odyssey, ripping at blistering speed through the psychedelic star gate, myself emerging in a trance-like state of euphoria in an uncharted, eye-popping land of perfectly crystalized cinematic kinography, and I'm not even exaggerating.
"It's Steve!" I screamed repeatedly as I forcefully dunked my full popcorn bucket upside-down over the head of the man sitting in front of me, lifted and reeled both of my feet, then stomped the back of his skull with such force to front-flip him over the chairs and into the aisle in front of him.
The concentrated cinematic bliss on the screen continued; Steve as an adult, played by Jack Black, his performance consistently dialed beyond eleven to an ideal thirteen, made his second-act debut and uttered the legendary line: "I... am Steve!"
I grabbed the very elderly, frail woman sitting next to me by the scruff of her cardigan and shook her back and forth as violently as I could as I screamed, ropes of saliva flying from my mouth, all of her bones audibly breaking: "It's Steve, again! He said as much!"
A young girl sat behind me politely spoke: "Could you please be quiet?"
I slowly turned to face her, sporting a look of utter fury, trembling exhales coming through my nose, and slapped her in the face so hard her glasses flew off.
Her cheek went bright red and her nose started to bleed, and I shouted at her: "You'll get another one if you don't get more excited about this bliss in cinematic form!"
The filmic perfection went on; Steve launched into his delightful song brimming with imagination about lava chicken.
I rocked about violently in my chair crying, laughing so hard I was making very bizarre raspy, esophageal noises and couldn't breathe, and passed out temporarily.
A woman cradling a baby leaned over me and asked if I was okay.
Hearing her, my eyes quickly opened wide, the size of dinner plates.
With a massive grin on my face I immediately leapt to my feet, ripped the baby from the woman's grasp and drop-kicked the infant clear across the audience, screams from mother and baby echoing through the auditorium along with my singing "La-la-la-lavaugh, chuh-chuh-chuh-chikeanugh!"
The theatre's janitorial staff stood at the corner gasped as the baby dropped into one of their vomit-filled bins, puke splashing out and onto the floor, like having tossed a large rock into a lake.
"Kobe!" I shouted gleefully.
I estimate it was around this point that, for some reason, somebody in the theater called the police.
Once again I found myself sobbing from hysterical, painful laughter at Jason Momoa's character childishly screaming in fear of the world of Minecraft's various monsters for the dozenth time when a couple of uniformed officers entered the auditorium and approached me, shining their flashlights on me.
They stopped in front of me, infuriatingly obstructing my view of the film, and asked me to come with them.
I then immediately yanked the service weapon of one of the officers from the holster on his belt, pointed it swiftly and quickly shifted my aim between the lawmen, forcing them to back off as I shouted "I'm trying to watch A Minecraft Movie, trademark!"
Strangely, this prompted everyone in the theater to flee screaming.
I obviously already had a great center seat, but now I had the auditorium to myself, for my viewing pleasure.
By this time I had already seen A Minecraft Movie well over a hundred times and could recite every line of the film's masterful screenplay verbatim, and was waiting patiently for that scene -- *the* scene of the movie.
And then, finally, it came, as did I, in my pants; Garrett and Steve find themselves in a fighting ring, pitted against a baby zombie riding on the back of a chicken -- at the same time flashlights began to blind me from either side of the auditorium simultaneously.
I squinted and looked about, realizing a SWAT team in full tactical gear pointing M4 Carbine rifles had entered and were slowly advancing on me, shouting for me to lift my hands in clear view and lower my knees onto the floor.
As if it was fated to happen, I then stood up and unzipped my oversized jacket to reveal a suicide vest comprised of at least three dozen cylindrical canisters packed with C4 plastic explosive, wired for detonation by the switch I then pulled from my pocket and up high for the agents to see, and before they could flee, at the same time Steve in the film shouted it with his characteristic exaggeration in response to the chicken-riding zombie baby, I screamed, as loudly as my lungs would allow, that unforgettable line: "Chicken jockey!"
I then detonated the vest, and everything went white.
The next thing I remember is waking in a hospital bed, my entire body black with soot and my hair strewn out in star-like points similar to a Looney Tunes character caught in a blast from Acme dynamite.
I coughed a single cloud of smoke and shouted at the nearest doctor, asking when I could leave and watch A Minecraft Movie again -- and again, and again, attending as many back-to-back showings I possibly can before the inevitable release of Another Minecraft Movie, which will somehow, yet undoubtedly top the first one and bless us all with its sheer cinematic magnificence.
I'm not 100% certain if I will continue making videos. I got my irl work and work is rly good. I'm really happy with the last 2 and I'm glad so many enjoyed! Thank you, sincerely.
But social media stuff isn't for me. If I work on the next thing, it will be a total surprise.
@ZwickTheEditor I agree! The joke I was trying to make was that while I have that one gripe with indie games, the fact that I don't have much to criticize them for other than that one thing speaks volumes. It didn't come across that well. If I'm playing new stuff, chances are it's indie.
@brentsacks Dude, TONS. Part of the cuts was to put focus on the heavy hitters, and cut out clunky segments that may have been too forced, unfunny, or pointless. But ya man ball games are everywhere haha. I hope you watch and enjoy!
Rolled out!
Super monkey ball clone. It seems as if it may have had a controversial history amongst its audience. I recorded a segment for it since I loved the concept. I cut it because it was too positive for a game still in early access that hasn't been updated in over a year.
@VitoComedy People like honesty. People can also appreciate when you can keep some thoughts to yourself haha. You don't have to prove yourself to everyone. Just be. Actions matter more than words or w/e.
Neverball.
I wrote and recorded a segment about this game but it didn't make the final cut because I didnt like how it flowed, and thought it stepped on the final points I was making in the video. It's an open source take on super monkey ball. Little different though. Check it!