Sendsnacksplz

Tweeting the random stuff I think about while drinking Dr Pepper, eating sunflower seeds and snuggling with my doggies.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Mid-air collisions are so unnecessary. There’s plenty of sky for everyone.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Steaming a hotdog should be illegal. Use a grill you freak.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Look at this beautiful Polish grandmother I saw today. Very elegant.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

When I’m feeling really wild I go through the car wash, wait until the rolly brush thing is coming toward me and then I turn on the windshield wipers.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

I had to explain to my husband that the reason I buy so much home decor is because sometimes the house likes to change its outfit.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Soooo, which came first?

1. Never take candy from a stranger!

2. Let’s make a holiday where kids go door to door taking candy from strangers.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

I used to have a problem where I would take Ambien, shop online, and have absolutely no recollection of doing it.

It all came to a head when I Ambien-bought a bowling ball, bowling bag and bowling shoes and my husband and my husband and I were forced to join a bowling league.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

“When did you realize he was in love with you?”

When he told me he would give me $5 to eat an M&M I found on the seat of a train, and when I put the M&M to my mouth, he screamed, “No! Don’t do it!”

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

I’ve thought a lot about the absolute worst thing you could do to a person and I’m quite certain I’ve come up with the answer—

Offer up a sip of your chocolate milk but instead of chocolate milk, it’s actually the slimy liquid from a can of black beans.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

One time I was walking out of a gas station with my coworkers and tripped and fell on my face (concussion and everything). We went back later to see if they had video footage, and figured out what I tripped on—
and this is really going to be a surprise— handicapped ramp.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

I imagine Thanksgiving is a frustrating time to be a prosecutor. Family is enjoying a nice dinner, the conversation is pleasant. Aunt Janice announces she will bring out dessert… then everyone loses their ever loving mind when she puts the death penalty on the table.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

I really feel that as a society, we should talk more openly about how painful it is to rinse out your mouth with hot water after gargling Listerine.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Nothing more refreshing in the morning than a cold shower… of milk, from the cereal I accidentally spilled all down my front. Absolutely invigorating. Ready to take on the day.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

My 90-year-old father announced that he is only staying alive because his favorite college basketball team just got a good coach and he thinks they will make the playoffs this year.

My mother, who was also in the room, was not as amused as I was.

#oldpeople

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Movies that have chewing noises in them should automatically be rated R.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

There are two types of people in the world— the ones that drink a glass of wine in the tub, and well, me.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Jujyfruits are wildly underrated. —Now hear me out— What other candy can you eat and still find stuck in your teeth two days later? It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

I went to the gas station and bought five blow pops and a KitKat. I asked the cashier how his night was going and he said, “Good. Looks like you’re about to have a chaotic trip to the dentist.”

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

Got a birthday card from my vet (addressed to me, correct month and everything). I thought it was so sweet until I opened it and the card was for my my cat. I guess I know now what it’s like to be told you’re going to the park — but you are really going to the vet.

[Sendsnacksplz @sendsnacksplz]

The “admins” of Facebook groups are the equivalent of mall cops. They take their job very seriously and they really cling to their minuscule authority.