People who think they are extremely self-aware are often doing nothing more than turning themselves into a permanent psychological project. Every reaction is analyzed, every emotion is interpreted, every insecurity is examined, every childhood event is revisited.
They call it awareness, but most of the time it is simply self-preoccupation with intellectual decoration around it. The ego has not disappeared, it has become the observer, the analyst, the therapist, and the patient all at once. Years can pass this way. The prison remains exactly where it was. Only the description of the prison becomes more sophisticated.
take solace in the fact that proper analysis (and the skills to do so) comes from many re-reads/rewatches. nobody comes out of an experience with thoughts fully formed and synthesized in a coherent form. ogre not dumb, ogre trying hard and that means a lot from the get-go