Shannon Cone

[Sir Daniel @sir_Danniell]

I would never spend my hard earned money on a mocktail

[Softboy @softcreateee]

I hate when I drink too much water and I can hear it moving around in my stomach. Makes me feel like a coconut.

[erika @yeeeerika]

george constanza summer (sandwiches, petty grievances, avoiding responsibility, pretzels, naps, lying)

[shﾑn @preset_2m3]

Turn that george harrison up white girl

[trash jones @jzux]

everything is about sex except thanksgiving. thanksgiving is about power

[mike oxsmol @greetinghimeros]

Some people just have no hosting etiquette at all like why do you have a pumpkin soufflé candle lit while we’re eating chicken cutlets

[mbg @gloless]

Girl just told me she ghosted me because I got too drunk and rode the mechanical bull 3 times on our first date

[chase @cfree94]

work denied my request for a raise so i’ve been pouring vegetable oil in the break room sink for weeks

[regular sadmeister @gardeinqueen]

bro last night was neither here nor there

[Patrick @audiohymn]

"Do you like the Microsoft Teams app?" Does Sisyphus like his boulder

[kk 🫐 @cutiegurlk8]

last night was a stanford prison experiment

[greg @gurreggg]

Whoever coined the term coined the term coined the term coined the term

[Randy “Bound to Relapse” Chilton @RandyChiltonAA]

If ur not drinking 13 beers with me I can only assume ur drinking 13 beers against me

[ppigg @s4m31p4n]

People in chicago probably go to the bean every single day

[Gary @plzbepatient]

Way too many low IQ conspiracy theories floating around. Give me high IQ conspiracy theories.

[Dr. Meatball @meatballworld]

I love wearing flare leg yoga pants I feel like a beautiful horse

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

I was the intimacy coordinator on the set of Stuart Little

[🎨 TORE & CHILI 🐈 @ohitore]

heavy is the crab that ran the goon

[˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱‧₊˚ @bendergirlfrend]

The best part about renting is getting to pour cooking oil down the drain