Shaun Roncken

Very excellent.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

@Deadspin Don’t hesitate to retweet them. As opposed to using “somebody”’s joke. Just some classic internet manners, you know?

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Sleeve tattoos are on deck, poised to become my generation's permanent mullet.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

@AllisonMDavey Or the toilet paper cozy in grandma's spare bathroom.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Donald Sterling looks like a human candle that's been melting for 65 years.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Groomsmen and bridesmaids wear matching uniforms so spaced out grandparents know whose hands to shake all night right?

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Terrence Malick asked to do a biopic of my life because I generally do dick-all aside from stare knowingly, backlit by gorgeous sunlight.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

The weeping willow is the Sam Elliot of trees.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Riding the elliptical without using the handles is the perfect way to nail the "Gnome bounding through the pumpkin patch" look.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

You can tell when someone is riding the wave of a life-changing day because they're driving around playing "Round Here" at full blast.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Grandpa, when you brag about how cheap movies used to be, inflation says you're proud of using circles instead of rectangles.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Threatened by the Gilmore Girls' encyclopedic knowledge of film, psychology, anthropology, plate tectonics, quantum physics, string theory.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

There should be an app that creates a human man based on the name you type into it. My first name would be "Bobo Tablefeather."

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Canadians are officially more self-congratulatory about their politeness than they are polite.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

People don't like Kim Jong Un, but I'm less trusting of people who use their extra bathtubs to display stuffed animals and folk art.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

The moment you acknowledge your mohawk and discuss how difficult it is to maintain is the moment you should cut it and frost your tips.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

If you haven't been to the dentist in a while, lick a rubber glove and drive a pointy compass into the most sensitive part of your gums.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

My girlfriend's farts have been known to jumpstart ailing jacuzzis.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

I'm going to start approaching my life like a menopausal woman who's listening to The B-52s "Love Shack" at all times.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

Omer Asik and Pau Gasol should co-host a television show set in a bathtub.

[Shaun Roncken @shaunroncken]

@imcathryn Bran. Plain, bleak, bran.