Shawna Jarrett

Comedy Person

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

@AmerHysteria @yourewrongabout ❤️❤️❤️

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Halloween 2022: Stranger Things and Stranger Danger

(Can you name all four moral panics in Frank's costume?)

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

@summerofsoaps 1. Hook guy
2. Sex bracelets
3. Razor blade in the apple
4. Rainbow Fentanyl

And then just a general Dangerous Van Man vibe with the glasses and mustache 😂

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

@AmerHysteria @yourewrongabout Oh WILL DO. They're gonna shiiiiiiit - Chelsey Weber-Smith is basically their Joey Ramone.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

@RottenInDenmark This displays an Alex Jonesian level of skimming part of a headline and then reporting it as evidence for your worldview.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

@HardyVision The best critical thinking advice I ever got was "Research immediately when you hear about a new reality your gut needed no additional information to believe."

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

MEANWHILE ON FACEBOOK:
I know I'm getting older because two people I know credulously shared the "rainbow fentanyl" moral panic article. This was all I could see.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Q. What does a Certain Kind of Dude LIKE?
A. Die Hard

Q. What does he LOVE?
A. Saying "It's a Christmas movie" like that's a hot take

Q. What does he DISLIKE?
A. Female leads in reboots

Q. What makes him go NUCLEAR?
A. @lizzo doing literally anything

I made them a present!

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Checking in safe and sound from Charleston SC!

(If it all floated away, that's locally-sourced, 100% organic redistribution of wealth.)

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

All right, @WSJ, @washingtonpost, @CNBC, @Forbes, whoever else: When is the next one of these coming out? I'll never get rich without my steady stream of inspo from business majors who don't mention their parents' money.

Fellow broke failures: I made us one to tide us over.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Had to do an Instagram version (in the traditional style of My People). Fingers crossed that IG girlbosses accidentally read it!

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

As a white woman, I think it's time to STOP criticizing ww for loving p-spice, and START criticizing ww for posting "I was almost TRAFFICKED today!" bc they saw the same black dude twice in a store, or were talked to by a random woman, or just, like, briefly glimpsed any van.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

New ep of the always-excellent @MaintenancePod today, in which we learn that @RottenInDenmark catphishes exes with "u up?" DMs to request research data in place of nudes. THAT'S journalism, baby!

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

I'll revisit low rise jeans just as soon as all the cool younger folks commit to permanently fucking up their precious eyebrows. No one has to spend 15+ years drawing in their pants. Put up or shut up, friends.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Boomer friends! Help, plz!

I haven't bothered you about this yet, figured it was one of those "understand when you get older" things. But I just turned 40 and am still STUMPED.

If you employed any of these looks, kindly file into the comments and explain yourself. Thank you!

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

In Cronenberg's 1983 adaptation of @StephenKing's "The Dead Zone", Baby Christopher Walken preemptively answers the question, "But what if Harry HAD let the Sorting Hat put him in Slytherin?"

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Everyone's been clowning this lion - as though THEY have never stood at that terrible crossroads where a transitional time in life meets a bathroom mirror, and made their own rash "I just need to change it up!" hair decisions.

#Solidarity, Big Chop.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

FANTASTIC NEWS, EVERYONE! All this draaaaama, and then Grace swoops in and solves it in one. #gasprices

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

*Also*, VERY UNIQUE BEAUTIFUL LARGE PIECE is how I'm describing myself from here on out.

[Shawna Jarrett @shawnajarrett]

Do not cite the Deep Magic to me, Witch! I was there when it was written.

(A mere $2.1K for this Turkish Delight, STEP RIGHT UP)