david shaw

English First

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@LucyTCWife 100% Lucy

[A View From Yorkshire @models_by_Russ]

Dear Prime Minister & Home Secretary,

I hope this letter finds you well, fully caffeinated, and in possession of a calculator.

I’m writing with what I believe is a modest, fiscally responsible proposal. I understand the Government is offering up to £40,000 to certain individuals to voluntarily leave the United Kingdom. First of all — bold strategy. Nothing says “strong borders” quite like a cashback scheme.

Now, I regret to inform you that I am, in fact, a fully tax-paying, law-abiding British citizen. I know — awkward. I appreciate this may disqualify me from the premium exit package, but I’m willing to negotiate.

I would like to formally apply for £35,000 to leave.

You see, unlike some applicants, I haven’t broken any laws to get here. I didn’t arrive by dinghy. I didn’t require processing, housing, or legal appeals. I’ve actually been funding the whole operation through PAYE for years — which I believe makes me a loyal shareholder in this enterprise.

Given that you’re prepared to offer £40,000 for someone to depart voluntarily after entering illegally, I feel £35,000 for someone who’s been here legally all along represents excellent value for money. Think of it as a “Buy British, Get One Gone” discount.

For £35,000 I will:
   •   Leave quietly.
   •   Not require a press conference.
   •   Not demand a diversity officer to wave me off.
   •   Even carry my own suitcase to the airport.

I may also tweet a polite thank-you note on departure, praising the efficiency of the scheme.

Frankly, it feels like I’ve misunderstood how incentives work in modern Britain. All these years I thought obeying the law, paying taxes, and contributing to society were the winning strategy. Turns out the real pro-move is to arrive unlawfully and wait for a loyalty bonus.

Who knew?

While British families are juggling rent, energy bills, and the weekly food shop like contestants on a dystopian game show, it’s reassuring to know the Treasury has located a spare £40,000 per head for voluntary goodbyes.

May I ask — is there a points card? Ten years of National Insurance contributions and I get a free exit bonus? If so, I believe I’m overdue.

In the spirit of fairness and fiscal responsibility, I am not even asking for the full £40,000. I’m trimming £5,000 off to help balance the books. That’s the kind of responsible budgeting I was raised on.

If successful, I promise to:
   •   Leave via a scheduled flight (economy is fine).
   •   Not stage a protest on the runway.
   •   And refrain from re-entering on a small boat to see if I qualify twice.

All I ask is equal treatment. If departure is now a funded career pathway, I would very much like to submit my CV.

Yours in hopeful relocation,
A slightly confused taxpayer

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@BladeoftheS We wish, farage is just a centre right tory

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@handcrochet @TRobinsonNewEra @DPJHodges Bye

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@bambibristol James OBrian on crack 🤣🤣🤣

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@gymslip @Angelcalling5 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@cpltshirt @Angelcalling5 100%

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@Angelcalling5 Govern me harder daddy 🙄

[Daniel Sugarman @Daniel_Sugarman]

Just remarkable how this is spiralling:

- A bunch of activists now trying to turf out BOTH Corbyn and Sultana.
- The crank who was previously Press TV's chief UK gimp trying to imply Sultana has engaged in Islamophobia(!)

There isn't enough popcorn in the world for this.

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@realjupiterr change politics, the right saw this a mile away 😂😂😂

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@jewlonavich @TRobinsonNewEra @RMistereggen its the fucking MPs you mong

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@ElContador2000 @JohnRentoul its not, watch his car crashes with mike graham on talk, hes a total idiot

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@BpdLion fuck off fish and chip grifter

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@TedUrchin @elonmusk its not a airport, jog on 😂

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@implausibleblog Who funds her 🤔

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@DamianLow3 The panic 🤣

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@Otto_English

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@elonmusk

[TheIrishWatchdog @WatchdogTh96012]

8 police officers break into home of a woman under hate speech laws while she is at hospital tending her disabled daughter. An alleged harmless social media post being used as a reason. Also that she organized a protest. I thought the right to protest was legal! #UK #LabourOut

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@piersmorgan Tommy will get a statue in Parliament square, you will dumped in the corner of a shitty graveyard with a broken headstone and your family will change their name

[david shaw @shawscrew]

@BladeoftheS you retards never learn