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[Shay @shaytims]

@askryanair I will never fly with you again ever. Outbound flight delayed by over 5 hours and at the airport waiting for return flight to board and it’s already delayed by 2 hours. Absolutely disgusting service.

[Shay @shaytims]

@santanderukhelp is this an acceptable call wait time to you?

[It's Always Sunny @alwayssunny]

Life imitates art.
#SunnyFXX

[Shay @shaytims]

@DomJolly_ I think 2-1 isn’t likely to be the final score, thanks

[Shay @shaytims]

@DomJolly_ Frankfurt 1-2 Monchengladbach Embolo 1st goalscorer

[Cesc Fàbregas Soler @cesc4official]

For Leicester City

[Cesc Fàbregas Soler @cesc4official]

Today 4 years ago we won the Premier League

[Shay @shaytims]

@nocontextfifa7 @ffs_ed

[Shay @shaytims]

Weekend at Boris’

[Shay @shaytims]

Hahahaha someone’s not been following their own advice

[Boris Johnson @BorisJohnson]

Over the last 24 hours I have developed mild symptoms and tested positive for coronavirus.

I am now self-isolating, but I will continue to lead the government’s response via video-conference as we fight this virus.

Together we will beat this. #StayHomeSaveLives

[BBC News (UK) @BBCNews]

New deadly #coronavirus not infectious enough to pose global threat, researchers say http://t.co/oOscyDfHhN

[Shay @shaytims]

@BBCSport @BBCMOTD @ffs_ed called it

[Shay @shaytims]

A big day for the British rail network today as I’ve arrived within 30 miles of my destination only half an hour late, 2 records that will stand for centuries. Now awaiting the usual rescue from friends or family to pick me up from wherever I’ve been left stranded this time

[Shay @shaytims]

RE my earlier tweet about my dream job as a ticket inspector, ive been informed that I don’t fit the criteria as I’ve had sex before. I’ll be appealing this decision but apparently the only exception is if you’ve had sex with children so I’m not hopeful x

[Shay @shaytims]

In sad news, the elderly homosexual who delivers the £60 sandwiches and £100 cans of carling has been unable to make the walk down the train due to the concentration camp like packing of people the railway providers enforce

[Shay @shaytims]

Arriving in Cleethorpes will feel wonderful, it’s been a long journey since leaving Exeter St David’s railway station in February 2011 but I emerge the other side stronger for it, and with considerably more diseases than when I boarded this nursery for troubled and loud children

[Shay @shaytims]

Be very careful not to end up boarding a train though as this is likely to encourage suicidal thoughts in even previously happy people

[Shay @shaytims]

Tip of the day: considering suicide by jumping in front of a train but not fully committed? Consult the timetables to see when the train is due and make your attempt then, this ensures the train won’t be there giving you time to re-evaluate your decision and change your mind!

[Shay @shaytims]

I feel like the British rail network is just laughing at people who thought that 9/11 was the worst experience you could have on public transport. Suppose if this train did crash and half the people on this carriage died, it would easily double the 9/11 death toll

[Shay @shaytims]

For an extra £100 I’ll put you and 40 other people in a 4 seater car and drive you at 5mph to somewhere nowhere near where you want to be

[Shay @shaytims]

Following the success of private rail companies I’ll be launching a service next year where you pay me £200 and tell me where you want to go and I’ll tell you to fuck off there and then, cuts out the need to turn up to a train station but everything else is exactly the same