Shellie Naquin

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

Just clicked on a link to win a free iPad. Now I have AIDS. :(

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

HEY GRAPEFRUIT. know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I really gotta start saying congratulations I instead of are you keeping it?

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

My niece just asked for cow juice. So adorable!!! I gave her a styrofoam tray of hamburger blood.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

im the funny guy that shouts remix! every time a cd skips. buy my stand up comedy digital download online at my web site

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I could lose weight simply by not eating the food I drop onto my shirt.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

Great job keeping shit out of my eye. eyelash that's currently in my eye.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I finished off a pizza today like it was planning to testify against me in court.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

According to the second law of thermodynamics. you're supposed to share your hotness with me.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I'm breaking into your house & responding to myself.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I know it's not safe but our taxi driver keeps falling asleep at every light and it's getting hilarious

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it's not doing its job

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I'm really good in bed.....I stay on my side and rarely steal all the covers.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

#MorningJoe Hillary Caught Red Handed Spying On Trump https://t.co/I5nNhbm6CE

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I want to do for the unibrow what Hitler did for the little moustache.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter. charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

My goal is just to find someone I can comfortably hate everything with for the rest of my life.

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I lost twenty pounds by making sure that three times a week I get a good hour of doing crystal meth

[Shellie Naquin @shellie_naquin]

I went outside for a minute and a bug touched me. so it looks like I'm back inside forever now.