Shit Faced

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

Ur shadow confirms that light has traveled 93 million miles unobstructed only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the last feet thx 2 u

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

I would like to think i will die a heroic death...

But its more likely ill trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

racism is taught,
not something you are born with...

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

if you are what you eat, im going to eat a victoria's secret model

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

Singing in the shower is all fun and games
until you get shampoo in your mouth...

Then it becomes a soap opera

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

please let this be the summer that i become drastically more attractive and blow everyone away in a couple of months

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

If you say you've never used the "my mom said no" excuse to get out of plans, you're lying.

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

the first five days after the weekend are always the toughest

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

white girl motivational poster:

you CAN even

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?

"I don't wanna be Obama self."

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

my boyfriend says, "camping;s a tradition in my family" it was a tradition in everyone's family until we invented the house

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

"If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it."

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

well son, it all started when your father liked my selfie

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

men use love to get sex. woman use sex to get love. Me? i use coupons to get pizza.

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

my face is a 4

my personality is a 6

so i am basically a 10

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

why do famous people think that they can only date other famous people like you're limiting your chance to find you soulmate for example me

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

"My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic." #HappyFathersDay

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

"I have never been a material girl. My father always told me never to love anything that cannot love you back." #HappyFathersDay

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

"My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me." #HappyFathersDay

[Shit Faced @shiittfaced]

"My dad used to say, 'You wouldn't worry so much about what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did." #HappyFathersDay