Shit My Husband Says

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

@GavinNewsom Boooo

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

@ia_william Go

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

@hopeful60s @CAgovernor If those sneakers cost $485, she got ripped off.

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

Is there food available at this place that keeps beer on a wall? If so, is it a wing place or is it more of a burger place? How many bottles do you suppose we could pass around until the food is ready? Is there a speed of service goal based on number of bottles?

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

Who put the 99 bottles of beer on the wall? Why are they not in a cooler? Is the wall of the room refrigerated? How many people are in the room that we are passing it around to? Am I comfortable sharing germs with that many people? Are we actually drinking it, or just passing it?

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

And what happens after it’s been passed around? Is it thrown out if the bottle is empty? Are we actively taking them down from the wall and passing it to someone to put in a cooler so we can drink it later? What kind of beer is it? Like, a Bud Light or some hipster IPA?

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

How big of a loser is Voldemort though? He’s a grown-ass man and his arch nemesis is literally a child. Bro, get some therapy. Let it go. #harrypotter #voldemort #hewhomustnotbenamed #whataloser #archnemesis

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

We just don’t talk enough about how much time you spend dry heaving over the trash can because of how bad it smells. #chores #kidsaregross

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

#smhs
#eatme

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

He looks like he would smell like 70’s porn. #mustache #dadjoke #jokesaboutdads #accurate #vivd #iykyk

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

Cardi B is music for girls who buy vibrators at flea markets #itsnotmusic #wap #cardib #rabbit

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

@JoJoFromJerz

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

The worst thing you do is watch a musical every now and then. #wannaknowhowiknowyourenotgay

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

Sometimes, Biden reminds me of @ChevyChaseToGo‘s portrayal of Gerald Ford on @nbcsnl

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

The less things I touch in a Walmart bathroom, the better off I am. #truth #walmart #yuck #howistherepoopontheceiling #wordstoliveby #themoreyouknow #knowledgeispower

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

Rapping in Spanish has to be so freaking easy. Every word ends in like o or a #rap #spanish #music

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

Today I told my toddler he was doing a good job singing the ABCs. He corrected me and said “No, I’m counting alphabet numbers.”

My whole life has been a lie.

[Shit My Husband Says @shitmyhs]

I just entered to win a FN Ballista FDE Rifle w/ Trijicon Tenmile 3-18x44 Scope from @ClassicFirearm! Valued At $9500! #sweepstakes @FN_America #FN #FNBallista #ballista #gungiveaway #winagun #WINAFNBALLISTA @Trijicon #dreamgun #riflegiveaway Enter Here - https://t.co/d89mVVRUGk

[Subway® @SUBWAY]

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