Shkeeber

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle

Co-worker: It's my daughter

Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don't they?

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

✌🏽see ya https://t.co/aiLkJfyj5d

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

To celebrate the total eclipse, I will also be blacking out

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

I wish drugs would find me instead of emails

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

Oh no- not again

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

There is some kind of alarm with a low battery in the office and every couple of minutes it chirps very loudly, but it also sounds like a person whistling. It really feels like the building is catcalling us and while it is driving me insane- it does feel nice to get hit on

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

Take a good look at my face
You'll see my smile looks out of place

-Strokey Robinson

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

@grammar_cunt @kathygriffin Lurve!!!

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

My dream of living in a pillow fort will come to fruition when I am inevitably locked in a padded cell

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

My entire personality is a trauma response masquerading as a sense of humor

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

A dating app for DL guys, called Pickle On The Side

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

Brain: O. M. G. Do you know what would be totally hilarious right now?

Me: *approaching mental burnout* Please. NO.

Brain: HEEEY MACARENA

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

I never once checked myself, and now here I am. Wrecked

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

I'm unflirtable.

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never be a well-qualified buyer

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

I wanna see the Prancercise lady and the Surprise Surprise lady in concert

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

My Hyundai coordination is terrible

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

It should be called Ground Beef Helper, not Hamburger Helper.

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

Year after year I hear about the War on Christmas and year after year there is nowhere to enlist. Is this happening or what…? 🙄

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

As a species, we were just not ready for opposable thumbs

[Shkeeber @shkeeber]

90% of my social life is me staring off into space thinking “Oh I shouldn’t have said that”