Kastle Plunkett

Don’t leave my corpse in Tampa.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

"When a Bong Hit only makes your Four Year-Old Hangrier, call Pizza Hut"

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Among the many places I've lived, my time in Winona, MN - Lock and Dam Number 4 - was more formative than most. I was 9 or 10 when I moved there, was a teenager by the time I left. This weird wasteland is how I remember puberty. https://t.co/W67A4XEpug

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Got cold. Made this sorta casserole-thing with stewed beef, veg and a duvet of rich, golden mash. i have no idea what this is called anymore.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

I consider the fact that Harold Lloyd isn’t some hipster sex idol, ignorant and lazy.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

@CasperFox Sy Snoodles carries a briefcase which he claims holds important documents. The actual contents are a flask and a gun.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

“Sir, you’d promised Jizz. The wife and I, we love Jizz. It’s the cat’s pajamas: Jizz. But this is hardly Jizz, is it? Seems like some Neo-Jizz, some hipster, too cool for moisture farm school Jizz and well, the wife and I aren’t about that sort of Jizz. We like old Jizz.”

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Listening to The Smiths’ “Meat is Murder” on the way to the Asian Market may trigger a panic attack once you’re standing in front of the Live Seafood counter.

Conversely, listening to it on the way back makes you feel like you’re on a sexy, cross-country killing spree.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Hoppin’ John. Definitely made on purpose. No swearing or self-pity or near nervous collapse was involved because I most certainly wasn’t trying to make something else. It was Hoppin’ John all along.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Whether they’re consumed for luck or money, collard greens are the best way to absorb vitamin A and C while also enjoying molasses and bacon fat and increasing your risk for hypertension.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

If you always fuck up and burn your first pancake or crepe, figure out why. It’s thermodynamics, not metaphysics.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

For the record, I do believe prayer belongs in school. Hail Satan.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

The secularists are winning because you’ve detached yourself from reality and probably shouldn’t be trusted to read “signs”.

Happy Holidays.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

When a network isn’t showing the Christmas Classic you wanted, it’s not “a sign the secularists are winning”. It’s a sign that the network was outbid for the license by the largest entertainment conglomerate in the history of the world. It rhymes with Fizney.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Conservatism may not be “the new punk rock”, but working for President Trump is definitely the “I once drank a gallon of mouthwash and fucked a roadie for the J Geils Band,” of public service jobs.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

In honor of Tulsi Gabbard, my official opinion going forward will be “I showed up for work today”.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Holiday cookie baking has commenced. These are corn cookies from Christina Tosi’s Milk Bar cookbook. They smell like a giant bowl of cereal and Saturday morning cartoons.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Don’t get too proud of yourself, humanity. Once upon a time, the Two Fat Ladies would have been burned as witches.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

Roast beef: trussed and cured overnight, painted with Kewpie mayonnaise and seared, then bagged for the immersion circulator with it’s trimmed fat and a frozen puck of beef marrow/dried shittake mushroom stock.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

I answer viewer emails for a National Network. The amount of human misery I run into in my silly job, if I were a priest this time of year, I’d probably kill myself.

[Kastle Plunkett @sighexpletive]

I listen to people complain all day, most days, and then doing nothing about it. I’m concerned I may be developing a god complex.