Simon Ruben Hemph

So far, so good.

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

@adriansolarzz Slides

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

@AlfieJCarter GPT

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Me: “We need a system. A strategy. A long-term view.”
Also me: Post a random thought at 10 pm that outperforms last quarter’s entire content plan.

Marketing is weird like that.
The stuff we overthink flops.
The thing we made in 4 minutes?
Top performer.

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

I love B2B marketing. We’ll write 40 slides about “customer centricity” but forget to talk to an actual customer all quarter 🙃

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Your competitor isn't their product. It's the status quo.

And status quo always wins unless you understand the forces of progress.

#JTBD

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Demand generation is measurable.
Brand awareness is whatever marketing teams say they’re doing when they don’t want to be measured.
#JustTrustMe

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Brand awareness is when people recognize your logo.

Demand generation is when they recognize your logo and actually care.

Revenue is when they care enough to pay you.

Only one of these keeps the business alive.

#B2BMarketing 😄

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Marketing team wasn't hitting targets so I replaced them with a troupe of mime artists who silently act out our value proposition in subway stations. Pipeline is empty but our street cred is through the roof. #GuerrillaMarketing

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

I’m amazed by how ChatGPT can be an expert on topics I know nothing about, yet utterly clueless and worthless the moment it steps into something I actually know well.

😉

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Our demand gen strategy? I hired a team of professional mourners to cry uncontrollably whenever competitors' names are mentioned at industry events. Lead quality through emotional manipulation. Three CEOs already offered us money to stop. #GrowthHacking

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

My most productive employee turned out to be a cardboard cutout of myself that someone forgot in the conference room. Promoted it to SVP of Operations. Finally, a leader who truly reflects my vision. #InnovationInLeadership

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Noticed our janitor was actually a millionaire doing research for a book. Fired everyone else and hired 20 undercover millionaires. Now the office is filthy but our Series A is oversubscribed. #VentureCapital

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

My company was sued for workplace harassment. Instead of settling, I hired all the lawyers suing us. Now they're harassing their old clients. Always turn your enemies into assets. #BusinessStrategy

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Started conducting layoffs via company-wide game of Squid Game. Winner gets to keep their job plus inherits all the losing employees' stock options. Finally found a way to make downsizing fun AND profitable. #TeamBuilding

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Hired a man who tried to steal my identity.

He showed great initiative by choosing such a high-value target.

Now he's our Chief Identity Officer.

He's still pretending to be me but his quarterly numbers are excellent. #LeadershipInsights

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Performance reviews are simple.
If you work hard, you’ll be told you’re doing "great, but there’s room for improvement."
If you do nothing, you’ll be told you’re doing "great, but there’s room for improvement."
#CorporateLife

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Founders love to say "we’re revolutionizing the industry."
What they really mean: "We built an app that does the same thing as five other apps, but with a slightly worse UI."
#Innovation

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

LinkedIn is just Facebook for people who think they’re too important for Facebook.
Except instead of baby pictures, it’s self-congratulatory posts about "lessons learned" from missing a flight.
#ProfessionalNetworking

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

Every company says they hire based on "culture fit."
Culture fit just means "do we want to get stuck talking to this person at the company Christmas party?"
If the answer is no, they don’t get the job.
#HiringStrategies

[Simon Ruben Hemph @simonhemph]

AI took over my LinkedIn posting.
Now I get 10x engagement.
Turns out people prefer an algorithm pretending to be me over the real me.
#Humbling