Simon the Solemn

Citizen journalist. Jewish by birth, fat by choice. Professional grievance raiser.

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

Kosher cat food is surprisingly rare in North London

There are easier ways to spend a Thursday than explaining to a series of patient shopkeepers that you need kosher food for a cat that is not Jewish, not observant, and currently asleep on a windowsill in Cricklewood with one paw over its eyes.

The cat belongs to my neighbour. She is away. I said I would feed it. She mentioned, casually, as people do when they are already halfway out the door, that the food in the cupboard was running low and that it had to be kosher. I nodded. I am a nodder. It is one of my less useful traits.

The first shop, a small place near Golders Green station that smells agreeably of pickles and floor cleaner, had no cat food at all. The man behind the counter looked at me as if I had asked for a kosher ham sandwich and then, more kindly, suggested I try “the big place further up.” The big place further up had an entire aisle of pet food, none of it certified. A woman in a headscarf and excellent trainers told me her sister in Manchester used to get something sent from America, but the sister had moved, and anyway the cat had died. She said this without drama. London conversations often end this way.

Online was worse. One site offered a brand that claimed to be “suitable for kosher homes” in lettering so small I had to enlarge it three times, only to discover the suitability consisted of the food not containing shellfish. Another wanted £18.40 for a pouch the size of a tea bag, plus delivery that would arrive after the neighbour returned. A third simply listed “kosher cat food” and then, when you clicked, showed you ordinary cat food next to an advertisement for a mezuzah. I began to feel I was being tested.

What I had not expected was the number of people who wanted to discuss the theology of it. A man in Stamford Hill, queueing for challah, asked whether the cat was Jewish. I said it was a British shorthair. He nodded, as if this settled something. Someone else explained, patiently, that the issue is less the cat’s soul than the plates, the surfaces, the possibility of a non-kosher scrap migrating into a kitchen that has rules. I understood the principle. I also understood that the cat was not party to the principle.

By late afternoon I had a tin of something imported, expensive, and bearing a hechsher I had to photograph and send to a friend who knows about these things. He replied that it was fine. The cat, when presented with it, sniffed, walked away, and ate a piece of ordinary kibble I had guiltily hidden behind the bread bin. I have decided not to mention this to anyone. Some struggles, once you have had them, are better left between you, the cat, and the receipt.

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@Matthew82069336 Should be in solitary confinement and forced to hear his own lies played back to him on repeat

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@SaulStaniforth Why does no one point out that the conflation of all Jews and their opinions and beliefs, with the stance of the Israeli government, is in of itself, antisemitism. It's exhausting to see the establishment fall back on tired antisemitic tropes constantly

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@SaulStaniforth @ZackPolanski A sensible perspective from the green old guard for once. Look at their by election results, 2,3,4 years ago! Zach is moving in the right direction

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@SaulStaniforth @ZackPolanski And this kind of messaging is exactly why are so desperate to be rid of him

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@ryangrim However you feel about the IDF, I promise you, you don't hate them enough. In the future they will be portrayed in film the same way we portray the Nazis or the Stasi

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@shearernorthern It's disappointing but you have to believe people when they show you who they are. The Greens have never been more popular nationally or more relevant politically. How many times did they finish top 3 in a constituency under her leadership?

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@meralhece If he track record is anything to go by its because she refused to do the interview in fear of not receiving pre selected soft ball questions

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@SaulStaniforth @ZackPolanski A great job staying on message and not getting pulled into their demand for soap opera headlines. The apartheid is the story, always!

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@helensclegel She's playing the part with glee. Cushty retirement job for her

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@PulaRJS @CarolineLucas She was a good constituency MP but clearly no good at national politics or appealing to the masses beyond her very left wing student base in Brighton, or the Green Party surge would've happened far earlier

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@SaulStaniforth It's the argument they know the media will lap up, no questions asked, and push it for as long as necessary

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@Heccles94 Two sides of the same capitalist coin

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@RoyalIntel_ I don't understand how their citizens can wake up each morning happy that their taxes are being spent to defend Zionists and murder Palestinians, Lebanese, and Yemeni?

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@alon_mizrahi Epstein could tell you if they didn't silence him

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@GhassanAbuSitt1 She is the perfect Zionist puppet like every soulless New Labourite

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@owenjonesjourno She's jealous of their hats because she wants to hide her god awful barnet

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@pauleholden Something tells me she's gonna keep silent about it for as long as she can

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@hasanthehun Republican voters have the shortest memories in the world, they need to be studied.

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

Poetic

[Simon the Solemn @simonthesolemn]

@SaulStaniforth Sky News being nakedly dishonest? I can't believe it. No way. That's impossible.