Sippycup Momster

Stepmother of the Year! I only drink on days that end with whine.

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

My kid hasn’t even opened all the presents and this a boring day in case you’re wondering what Jesus would do. #ChristmasDay2017 #parenting #fail #momlife #Murica #FirstWorldProblems

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

I prefer “cancer” to parasite but tomato/tomatoe https://t.co/DrN0OObtg6

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Are there support groups for people living with someone that voted for Trump? #askingforafriend #fml #facts

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Alexa’s a salty bitch. I got the QOTD wrong and she promptly played the song about which I was questioned when I asked for festive holiday music. #theshadeofitall #alexa

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Hubs said we need to get some Aunt Jemima because 5 didn’t like the syrup we had for pancakes. This is why women do the birth thing. 🤦🏽‍♀️ #parenting #momlife #dadfail #marriage

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

@Starbucks I’m pretty sure my 5 year old is a sociopath. Who eats half the head and the bottom?? 🤦🏽‍♀️ also I wanted the sprinkles. #momlife #parenting #whytho

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

My husband bought orange juice with pulp and it’s like I don’t even know him. #no #nopulp #mimosas #marriage #isthisgroundsfordivorce ?

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Recent tests show my liver function is excellent. Shout out to you, liver. You da real #mvp #vodkagirl

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Me: a mosquito keeps biting me. 5: maybe because you drink too much wine. Me: what? 5: because it’s sweet. Me:... #parenting #momlife #wine

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

In case you forgot what Jesus would do... #wonderment #prayer #reflect #focus #Catholic #christianity #wwjd #takeaknee #taketheknee

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Sometimes I leave the vacuum cleaner out so he can stfu before asking what I did all day. Protip: nothing. I did nothing. #marriage #momlife

[MOMSClubPhxNorterra @PhxNorterraMOMS]

Join us to see @joshwolfcomedy on 9/1/17! Use promo code, so we get the ticket sales! Promo Code: MOMS #datenight #PhoenixAZ

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

5-year-old: I'm ready.

Me: You're still in your pajamas.

5: I'm ready to go back to bed.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

Everyone's all "eclipse this & eclipse that" & I'm over here like "do I really want to get out of bed for that? Nah."

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: I’ll do literally anything to lose weight.

Wife: Eat less and exercise.

Me: Except that.

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

5-year-old: *gets out of the pool*

Me: You look tired.

5: It's a lot of work to stay alive.

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

5 brushed his teeth w/o being told to today!! He also got dressed w/o any undies. #babysteps #firstdayofschool #parenting #momlife #welaugh

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

"Why the (expletive deleted) are you in the (deleted) left lane FFS?"
Me - driving in California
#roadtrip #California #driving

[Sippycup Momster @sippycupmonster]

Hubs gone expectation: watch what I want & rosé Reality: asleep on the couch by 8 w/ a gallon of ice cream on my lap #stillworks #tired

[James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn @XplodingUnicorn]

Me: We're going to a birthday party.

3-year-old: I had my birthday.

Me: It's someone else's birthday.

3: They're copying me.