Skip Simonds

Absence management consultant, photographer, deck builder, and beach sand inspector

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

I like chicken crossing the road jokes because they are poultry in motion.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Can I get you a beer?" Descartes says, "I think not" and suddenly disappears.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

A photon gets selected for extra screening at TSA. TSA Agent: "Do you have any luggage?" Photon: "No. I'm traveling light."

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

When my wife gets back from her trip, she's going to find out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She's going to hit the roof.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

My neighbor's kid got his kite stuck in a tree. I'm sure it's not the worst thing that ever happened to him, but it's way up there.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Accidentally used dog shampoo. Now I'm feeling like such a good boy.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in a tire and roll me down a hill. They were good years.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

I have a Russian friend who is a sound technician...and a Czech one, too...Czech one, too...Czech one, too.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that’s probably why.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

I actually met my wife on a camping trip. I couldn't help myself. I found her pretty in tents.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Tripped and dropped a stack of clothes I just ironed. It was like slow motion as I watched it all unfold in front of me.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Had a clown hold a door open for me the other day. That was a nice jester.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Teach a man to fly and he may do it once or twice more. Teach a man to jump out of a plane without a parachute and he’ll do it for the rest of his life.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Got a new pair of gloves for my birthday. They were both lefts...which on one hand is great, but on the other hand is just not right.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Can't recommend you read books on black holes. They suck you in.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Had a really bad dream last night I was being chased by a fully armored war horse. It was a real knight mare.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Just found out I’d only weigh 75 lbs. I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet!

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

I have a friend who couldn’t pay the bill for town water. So I sent him a get well card.

[Skip Simonds @skipsimonds]

Bank robbers are bad, but people who rob bakeries really take the cake.