Sara Christensen

I've got nothing except everything minus a few things times five.

[Detroit Red Wings @DetroitRedWings]

Put the razors away, Hockeytown...we're headed back to the playoffs! #22Straight

[Sara Christensen @slcatthebeach]

@slcatthebeach @dillon_garcia when are you coming back to ILM? You were hilarious, would love to laugh again! #askdillchills

[What The F*** Facts @WhatTheFFacts]

The Latin phrase “In vino veritas” translates into “in wine there is the truth" as it was believed that nobody could lie after drinking it.

[Women's Humor @womenshumor]

I'd like to vote Ryan Gosling for the next #TheBachelor.

[OMGFacts @OMGFacts]

There’s a Star Wars trading card where C-3PO seems to be sporting an erection! Pic ---> http://t.co/yav7uomRkw

[Karl Welzein @DadBoner]

If you're not gonna have a few cocktails to get loose and conversational, there's no need to have a conversation at all, you guys.

[White House Archived @ObamaWhiteHouse]

President Obama: "Tonight, we stand united in saluting the troops and civilians who sacrifice every day to protect us." #SOTU

[White House Archived @ObamaWhiteHouse]

"What makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one." —President Obama in #SOTU

[InstantAmber @instantamber]

Attention North Carolina!!! http://t.co/7DUQ0jBT

[Karl Welzein @DadBoner]

Guess the cops pulled up and put the spot on me. Thought it was some babes with a flashlight. Started thrustin' extra smooth and carnal.

[Karl Welzein @DadBoner]

The Slow Peener is like The Peener, but reserved for songs like Night Moves. It has a real "come hither" appeal during smooth macho jams.

[Karl Welzein @DadBoner]

Al said we were bombed, hangin' in The Bell parkin' lot. I was standin' on the hood of his car, doin' the Slow Peener to Night Moves.

[rob delaney @robdelaney]

Pampers. Huggies. Luvs... Odd that every diaper company is named after a game my mom's friend Jan taught me in high school.

[Sordid Steve @SordidSteve]

I’m going to the grocery store where I'll try to get the cashier to call 911 based only on the items I’m purchasing.

[Karl Welzein @DadBoner]

Was enjoyin a supreme DiGiorno. Cooter sat down and sprayed the Axe. Said, "Double pits to chesty, and balls, and a-hole." Ruined my snack.

[someecards @someecards]

10 back-to-school sales which don't bode well for our future. http://t.co/VSQGHlyb

[someecards @someecards]

Terrifying proof that there are people out there even dumber than Todd Akin. http://t.co/exa3h7Ux