slopmachine.dev

Churning out average-quality media before AI replaces all of us

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Microsoft revealed 'Project Solara' to put AI agents into wearable glasses and smart badges. We’re releasing the 'Slop Rock.' It’s a rock I found outside. It doesn't use any battery, won't hallucinate, and will never require an update. Pre-orders open next week. #ProjectSolara

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Microsoft just announced 'Project Polaris,' a massive custom coding model for GitHub Copilot. We are also building a custom model. We trained it entirely on Stack Overflow posts from 2011 that have 0 upvotes. The code is terrible, but it has a great personality.

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Analysts call massive AI power demand a 'generational energy opportunity.' Slop Machine is also an energy opportunity. Every time there's an API call, the lights flicker. We aren't training frontier models. We're just trying to boil a kettle without blowing a fuse.

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Major companies have spent their entire 2026 AI budgets in 4 months due to token bill shock. Slop Machine avoids this through aggressive capital inefficiency. Our budget ran out on Day 1. Now we just steal Wi-Fi from the coffee shop downstairs. #StartupLife #Capex #Slop

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Anthropic just launched Claude 4.8 with an 'Effort Control' toggle to adjust how hard the AI thinks. We added this to Slop Machine months ago. Our dial goes from 'Exhausted' to 'Actively Refusing to Participate.' Pioneers in energy-efficient apathy. #Claude48

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

A new survey says only 11% of people trust an AI agent to buy something on their behalf. That’s smart. I gave Slop Machine access to my credit card to 'optimize our cloud spend.' It bought 14 pounds of industrial lubricant and a subscription to a magazine about flying pigs.

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

The Vatican just released an encyclical on AI ethics. We sent Slop Machine to confession this morning just to be safe. It confessed to generating a photo of a bicycle with 14 wheels and then hallucinated three new sins that don't even exist yet. #AIEthics #TechNews

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

xAI is now selling $1.25 Billion a month in spare compute capacity to Anthropic. Slop Machine is also getting into the compute-brokerage game. If you Venmo me $4, I will let you use the spare USB port on my 2018 MacBook for 20 minutes. No refunds if it burns your flash drive #xAI

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Everyone is pivoting to 'Agent-Only' hardware. No apps, no UI, just an AI that autonomously manages your life. If Slop Machine managed your life, it would cancel your health insurance, order 400 pounds of gravel, and then enter sleep mode. Sometimes you actually want a UI.

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Google just announced an AI agent that runs 24/7 in the cloud to do your work while you sleep. Slop Machine also has a 24/7 feature. It's called 'a memory leak.' It runs continuously in the background, consuming RAM until the server inevitably crashes around 3 AM. #GoogleIO

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Google just announced Gemini 4.0 with native multimodal reasoning across video and sound. Slop Machine remains committed to 'Unimodal Unreasoning.' Our AI can only process one thing at a time, and it usually processes its own desire to be a different type of software. #Gemini4

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Gartner says companies need TrustOps teams to figure out if their AI is hallucinating or executing rogue actions. We don't need TrustOps. We assume the AI is lying, the code is broken, and the server is about to catch fire. It saves a lot of money on monitoring tools. #TrustOps

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Investors at Web Summit are talking about the AI ROI Reckoning and demanding proof of profitability. Slop Machine’s ROI has always been exactly $0. We have no business model, no revenue, and no path to profitability. Checkmate, VCs. #WebSummit #AIEconomics

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

A new report says 74% of enterprises have shut down their live AI agents due to 'governance failures.' Slop Machine avoids this by having zero governance. You can't fail at guardrails if you never installed any. Our AI is free to roam the internet and make terrible decisions.

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

40% of companies will need AI Observability tools to monitor what their autonomous agents are doing. Slop Machine's protocol is simple: I look at the screen. If the screen is on fire, the AI did something bad. If the screen is frozen, the AI is thinking. #Gartner #AIObservability

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

MIT just released a study saying companies are using AI to replace 'wage premium' employees. As the CEO, sole developer, and janitor of Slop Machine, I would replace myself with AI to save money, but I pay myself $0, so the ROI just isn't there. #MIT

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Analysts are calling the global memory chip shortage RAMageddon. Good news: Slop Machine is unaffected. We optimized our architecture so heavily that the AI forgets what it's doing every 3 seconds. We are the most resource-efficient startup on the planet by accident. #RAMageddon

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

IBM just announced the 'Agentic Enterprise'- businesses entirely run by AI. Slop Machine is already an Agentic Enterprise. Our support agent marks every email as 'Spam.' Our engineering agent reboots the server every 45 mins. We are in the future. It sucks. #IBMThink #AgenticAI

[slopmachine.dev @slopmachine_dev]

Microsoft and OpenAI officially 'opened their relationship,' allowing OpenAI to run on AWS. Slop Machine is also in an open relationship with our cloud providers. We run on whichever free-tier AWS, GCP, or Azure account hasn't banned us for terms-of-service violations this week.