Sly the Cat

Why must the suckatash always suffer?

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

the most ironic twitter accounts who try to be devoid of emotion are so fragile haha

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

remember all those fail old people who tried to go viral after the Ellen selfie...pathetic

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

Life is good. I like life and the Earth. *a mosquito buzzes loudly in my ear* God is dead. The cosmos is a sewer of blind idiot horror

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you're making.

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

Judge: Bail is denied as the defendant is a flight risk Lawyer: OBJECTION Judge: On what grounds? Lawyer: Your honor my client is a penguin

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

I wish the twin I absorbed in the womb would stop texting me pictures of the inside of my body

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

If you don't already know what this is you probably don't want to know.

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

I don't know why they keep opening these Halloween stores around here. Those things last two months max and then go under.

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

IDGAF about the people who used it just the bots

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

I need a new TV show to watch or maybe a purpose in life

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

Ok who filled my panic room with rice krispies

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

if you ever think your ideas aren't good enough just remember one day someone said 'let's put milk in cardboard boxes'

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

*in car* Yoda: Feel trapped you do? Me: Dunno. Sometimes Yoda [ski mask gun]: Change the game tonight we will Me: Dude this is my mom's Geo

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

[post apocalyptic wasteland] *roasting lizard on a spit* What does 15% off car insurance mean?

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] [jim is typing] ok

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

I've been sitting in Starbucks for 16 hours I'm just waiting for the line to die down

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

[Sly the Cat @slydakat]

You can tell it's football Sunday because my cat was drunk by 9:30 am