Smoketopus

A literal chimney with 8 tentacles.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

I... I think I need to go... Need to think things over for a bit...

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

...Wait a minute. If I'm always underwater, my fireplace... how does...?

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

This is generally why I prefer chilling on the sea floor. Humans kinda suck, for the most part. The more I have to tolerate them, the hotter my fire burns.

It's not the warm happy kind of fire. It's the arson kind.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Honestly a huge part of pop culture has absolutely zero respect for those of us who have to spend their lives walking around with actual hearths embedded in their bodies.

So much for multiculturalism.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Billy Joel is such a hack, tbh.

"We didn't start the fire." No duh, you didn't. You're not the one with a honking fireplace in his gut.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

I mean, I'm always full of warmth. Because, y'know. Fireplace.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Someone called me out for assisting in air pollution. I'd feel bad but honestly the idea of contributing to the slow death of our planet fills me with some amount of warmth.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

That 50% octopus is exhausted, for the record. The chimney part isn't, though. Chimneys don't feel sleepy, stupid.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Well, 50% artisan chimney. The other 50% is, y'know. Octopus.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Starbucks barista just called me a "smokestack"?? Honey do I LOOK factory-made? This invertebrate is 100% artisan chimney.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

A coworker today pointed out my smoke was blacker than usual. YES THANK YOU BARBARA WE CAN'T ALL AFFORD WEEKLY VISITS TO THE CHIMNEY SWEEP.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Y'know I never did get Nautiluses. Like, why be an awesome cephalopod if you'd just gonna lug about this big clunky shell everywhere and pretend to be any old mollusc. Pick a side, jesus.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

@TrashPandaOffi1 Honey I'd sooner cuddle with a mollusc than with something that lives in the Hive's trash bins. I've seen where they get their shrimp.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Ugh, brunch is basically ruined now. I'd go scrounge behind the SCAD dumpsters but I'm not THAT desperate.

Maybe I'll just go see what turns up in the river by Turner. Hopefully it's more than just discarded Freshman shoes.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

@TrashPandaOffi1 Like I'm going to listen to an animal that can't keep its population numbers up without help from thousands of beleaguered Chinese zookeepers.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Just got kicked out of a sushi bar. Apparently "all you can eat" doesn't actually mean "all you can eat."

Load of speciests, I swear.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

I identify with Squidward Tentacles on a spiritual level.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

Saw some chimney stacks today . Just sitting there, attached to the roof, no ability to move or anything. I felt sorry for them for a minute.

That passed quickly, though. Grow some real limbs, you peasants!

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

I never make it through a day without having at least one smoke. All these hippies telling me to stop need to get a life.

[Smoketopus @Smoketopus1]

This sucks. Everything sucks. Every single one of the 700 or so suckers on my tentacles? They suck too.