sarah murphy

the only thing i fear is the IRS and God

[sarah murphy @smurphboard]

who do you like better

[george watsky @gwatsky]

1. Jay Z has a therapist
2. My dad is a therapist
3. My dad is not allowed to tell me who his clients are
4. ???????????

[Alison Chandra @aliranger29]

If you call yourselves pro-life, you need to fight for life from beginning to end. That's what Ethan's doing, what we're doing. Join us.

[Alison Chandra @aliranger29]

A lifetime cap on benefits is the same as saying, "Sorry, you're not worth keeping alive anymore. You're just too expensive."

[JFol @JFol]

Being forced to participate in a surprise spelling bee is literally my worst nightmare. #imout #TheBachelorette

[PL CHAMPIONS🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 @ArseneWasRight]

Me: H-
Girls on twitter under 19: Late summer night conversations in parked cars

[Ronald McDonald @ItsRonaldMBitch]

I knew sis https://t.co/sa9X0YlQHs

[tøady @todderic_]

crap i just spent X amount of hours on youtube going back and forth between jake paul and logan paul dramatics

[Riggs @RiggsBarstool]

Some dude just called me a pussy for putting on sunscreen. Imagine thinking you're tougher than the sun? The fucking sun?

[guelph @guwop]

spanish bitches be like "papi why July to me" ... first of all bitch we in June

[Alex Ernst @AlexErnst]

*tags friend* lets go on an adventure

[Karlie Beger @karloxide]

Dis me and my husband's wedding day. https://t.co/LUmQqfxcix

[sam @samwell_gnarly_]

I miss Elizabeth Genrich

[Temu Drive jacket scorpion w/ dick and balls @rasta_dad]

*At the shops*
Idiot millenial: "duhhh can I have a million dollars of avocado"
Me (smiling wisely): "One house please".