Anthony Swann

SNACKPOCALYPSE! When everyone eats so much that the earths gravitational field is affected and the planet stops spinning

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

I'm not saying your kid is ugly, but a blind dog wouldn't play with it.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

It's true. If you get stuck in an elevator with Kathie Lee Gifford and Kathy Griffin, your ears will bleed equally.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Today's euphemism for having sex - bumping slappies.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Learn from my mistake. If you're going to wash your car and dry it with paper napkins, you'll need more than a handful.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

In the time it takes to read this stupid status update, Bill Gates makes $1000 bucks.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

I was very proud the day I finally got my grandmother to say "bite me."

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

As soon as they have an application that can make a martini, I'll buy a Iphone.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Learn from my mistake - if you see a sign that reads "Swing Dance Party,' it's probably not what you think it is.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

No, I don't know why the idea of a cat hair salon won't take off.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Big plans! I'm going to dominate the naked fat dudes on bikes porn market.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Other than the occasional crushing blow of an oncoming car, the life of a squirrel is pretty sweet.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

I learned a good lesson today. If the batteries are dying, pressing the buttons on the remote even harder won't help.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

When will someone wise up and create a reality show called the DMV? All you need is a camera.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Madonna would like for Argentina not to cry for her.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

I'm thinking of a number between eleven and thirteen.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Our office would suck a lot less if we got a skateboard ramp. Or a margarita bar. Or a pony.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

I think I'm being followed by ghosts who unbalance every restaurant table I sit at.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Oh pepperoni pizza, if only the oil on you were Omega 3. Then you'd be the perfect food.

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Seriously, when will the economy turn around? Is there anyone left to lay off?

[Anthony Swann @snackpocalypse]

Oh that's not dandruff. Those are just free samples of my DNA.