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Do You Smell Smoke?: the Story of Lemony Snicket

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We finally have an answer.

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please use a coaster

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I can't believe you would disagree with a man who has eye problems.

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you ate a banana and something else ate you

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your favorite character is in two whole chapters in the entire series and then he fucking DIES when a baby shoots him with a harpoon

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what police

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Last time I was in Indianapolis there was a terrible misunderstanding and I ended up running 501 laps.

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Join Count Olaf's troupe: steal fortunes, set fires, murder people,

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The Story of Queen Debbie and Her Boyfriend, Tony

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Get scared later.

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I kept crumpling up these imaginary letters and throwing them into a very handsome imaginary trash can.

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A day without a book is dull; a book without a day is very spooky.

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are you fucking kidding me

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He washed his hands sympathetically.

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Lemony Snicket Did Nothing Wrong

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you can't have these muffins because you are a criminal

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A cranky old woman who makes good doughnuts is better than a cranky old woman who doesn't.

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We all know, of course, that we should never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever

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The greatest weapon in the world is charm, and I’m sure someone as handsome and intelligent as you knows how it works.

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Goodness! Golly! Good God! Blessed Allah! Zeus and Hera! Mary and Joseph! Nathaniel Hawthorne!

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Don't read this.