bi fieri

i once spilled an entire cosmopolitan on jeff bezos and his family

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

squirt isn’t pee that’s just me espresso

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

getting attacked in the sibling group chat for my collection of my exes teeth. god forbid women have hobbies

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

not necessarily jet lagged but i definitely reflexively said “bonjour” to someone on my morning walk today

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

like… ‘testosterone boys and harlequin girls dance to this beat’?? he may as well have said t-boys and dolls dance motherfucker

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off doesn’t get enough credit for being the trans pride anthem that it is

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

nvm she bought us gushers

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

do you guys think my roommate is mad at me

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

do you guys think my roommate is mad at me

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

just referred to some tea on a beef between some colleagues as “bone broth” to my roommate and she immediately understood what i meant

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

just popped a zofran mamdani feelin like the mayor of not throwing up

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

i have a phobia of vomiting so i have a prescription for an emergency anti nausea medication. unfortunately this means that my phone keeps autocorrecting to “zofran mamdani”

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

“what is she?”
“clinically insane”
“no, like her job”

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

i shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

made a new friend on my way up to my apartment tonight

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

not often i get to be proud of being from utah

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

oh you guys are best friends? when was the last time you both had to go to the hospital at the same time for different reasons so you got to have a little hospital date in the waiting room?

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

spotify is launching dms but what the kids don’t know is that you could always communicate via spotify if you’re both insane enough.

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

was anyone going to tell me paris has rollerblade cops or was i just supposed to find that out when i got here

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

having a black cat is so fun because i was just admiring how cute she looked from the corner of my eye and i turned to get a closer look and it was literally a t shirt

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

god put me on this earth to quadruple text

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

nothing worse than breaking up in the middle of the season of the show you watch together. like i might just never know how this season of severance ends. and also i might die alone.

[bi fieri @sofihotdogs]

just had a flashback of dancing to sandstorm by darude at mormon camp when i was like 14