Luke Weaver

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

If Mountain Dew kills sperm cells, I'm going to start drinking it by the gallon. The weak will die off. Survivors will be born warriors.

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

How it feels taking off your CPAP in the morning #cpapgang

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

How I would look if cheese was never invented

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

The only person that can beat Elizabeth Harmon #TheQueensGambit #Pixar

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

What I see vs. what my toenails see

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

@FattBeaver Mark knows treasure when he finds it

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Me: *turns 27*

My metabolism:

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Shoutout to all the beefy Kings who were escorted by their moms passed the standard clothing section to the “husky” section while back to school shopping.

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Who run the world?
Squirrels

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Death is just a forever day weekend.

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

What I say: “butter”

What my brain says: “budduh lmao”

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

@pjohnclancy Their moms must’ve hooked them up with a $10 for the book fair

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Do you play any instruments?

Yes

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Instead of cremating people we need to start blending them and putting them in lava lamps. Forever your light in the darkness.

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Nobody:

Me passing a construction worker guiding traffic:

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Child me: Can’t sleep without a night light

Adult me: If one lumen of light casts its beam unto my eyelids while I’m sleeping I will single handedly murder the sun

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

*mixes mayonnaise with any sauce*

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Bottle wine: Obliterates when it hits the ground.

Box wine: Absorbs the shock, takes it like a champ.

Bottle wine: Makes you look like an alcoholic buying eight bottles.

Box wine: Contains the volume of four bottles per box and looks reasonable sporting one in each hand.

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

Quarantine
Cuarantrine
Carbantre
Carbsandtreat
Carbs and treats

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

No one:
Absolutely nobody:
Not a soul:
Me 27 years ago:

[Luke Weaver @somepostsimade]

If I become the president you will never have to do dishes again. Everyone will eat their food on a tortilla then eat the tortilla. Tortillas are just edible plates. No more dishes, just tortillas.