emilytellsjokes

nomenclating hopeless romantic and existential detective at your service

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Jimmy Fallon's show Password is a TV show that Jack Donaghy would pitch after a MILF island cancel-able cast scandal. It's safe with "wacky" c-list celebrities, hosted by a likeable hairless Ken doll.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Remember when #Johnwick finally got interesting when Halle Berry involved her not German Shepherds. #murder

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Death comes at *ANY* time...#TBD

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

*particular stormy summer night*
Nobody -
Me - opens all windows, allows the wind shifts to caress my legs like a new lover. Allows the electricity in the air to raise all my sensual nerve endings....

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@netflix - is there a gofundme where we can buy the Witcher some dry shampoo? #thatwigisbeat

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Why are redheaded males not so sexy but red beards are so sexy?

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@Memles @davidlsims https://t.co/kNUzygou4V.I.A.CHEF?

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@netflix - 2019, you gave us rob lowe and kristin davis in Zambia, 2021 you gave us brooke shields and cary elwes in Scotland, so 2023 may we request eva mendes and patrick dempsey in the bahamas?

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@IKEA - my countertops were supposed to be delivered two weeks ago. Your kitchen designer no longer responds to email. Your CS reps on the phone say they will update my escalation case number and someone will call me back in 24 hours. They never do. Where are my countertops?

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@NordicTrack - I ordered a elliptical and home install over 3 weeks ago in Germany. Where the F is my elliptical? Your customer service does not respond to emails?

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@bertkreischer How many original members in the Wu-Tang?

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@PitchPerfect - release a movie of all 3 where I don't have to fast forward to the sing-y partz.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@joefree215 @calebquinley I am US citizen living in Germany and I plan on flying to the USA, in the next two weeks to get vaccinated because Germany is too slow on verifying my age group/eligibility. Germany seems more focused on policing vaccines than giving them out.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Q - Which Kurt Russell movie characters would I fall in love with? A - The left eye patch ones.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

@joe__swanberg Thank you for Easy's 'She's back' and addressing toxic Ex's.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Side note: who buys a half sleeve leather jacket?! Airports are filled with fashion weirdos.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

That ackward moment when you realize Michael Buble is a real person and not just a running joke on 'parks & rec'.

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Iamjustacowboylonesomeonthetrailastarrynightcampfirelight

[emilytellsjokes @sometimesifaint]

Its kind of low rent to dtive your own Bentley.