Bridget Schwartz

Former comic, mostly full of shit.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

I’m starting to look back fondly on the Cold War. All we had to worry about was nuclear annihilation.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

I walked halfway around the lake, realized that I was too tired to finish, so I turned around and came home.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Pandemic status: laying on my couch, listening to bluegrass versions of Led Zeppelin, eating blueberries from Mexico, trying to get up the energy to take a picture of my feet.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Tofu is the transvestite of the food world.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

When I’m content, I make scrolling motions with my thumb, even when I don’t have my phone- just like a cat making air biscuits.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

From one year ago:

“Actually, that made the mortician really nervous ”

-overheard in passing on the BART escalator.
I really really want to know the rest of the story.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

I wish someone would appropriate my culture.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Me: I have Alzheimer’s, I think

Friend: yeah. You just said that five minutes ago.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

“Autodidact” is a word only used by autodidacts.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

“Esoteric” is a very esoteric word.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

I wish I had Spanx for my personality.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

You are welcome to appropriate my culture.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Perhaps we should think about commemorative statues as the graven idols we were all warned about IN THE FREAKING BIBLE

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Even if we aren't dating seriously, I still expect you to treat me with respect bordering on reverence

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Isn't "flood victim" politically incorrect? Shouldn't we call them "people who have flood"?

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Looks as though Houston is our Dunkirk-civilians save the day!

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

I asked him if he wanted to play doctor, he asked me if I have insurance.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Always say yes when a lady invites you to nap. Always.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

Hallmark of narcissism: hatred of infinity.

[Bridget Schwartz @somthindumb]

My favorite conversation with a hobo, ever:
"Spare change?"

"Sorry, don't have any cash."

"How bout some pussy, then?"