a

she/her

[Gatorade Should Be Thicker. @WinslowDumaine]

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it "biohacking" is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it "hyper threading" or "powertangling" or some shit

[Sanjee Baksh @S__Baksh]

Tfw you’re a bacterium in the urine of someone taking an SGLT2 inhibitor

[Dan White @atdanwhite]

The 19-year-olds who attend my favorite university didn’t score enough touchdowns today so I’m in the basement, drinking until I fall asleep. My wife is crying, begging me to come upstairs & watch a Muppet Christmas Carol with my family. “I don’t care if I die tonight” I whisper.

[is that keri? @itiskeri]

there’s nothing wrong with being a one trick pony. that’s actually a decent amount of tricks for a pony

[Pop Base @PopBase]

Pornstar father of the Colorado Club Q shooter reveals his reaction when he first heard his son had murdered 5 people and injured 18:

“I go on to find out it’s a gay bar. I said, ‘God, is he gay?’ I got scared, ‘Shit, is he gay?’ And he’s not gay, so I said, ‘Phhhewww…’”

[ADHD Jesse @adhdjesse]

My ADHD was misdiagnosed as “smart but lazy”, “selfish”, “lacks effort”, “in his own world”, “too sensitive”, “messy and disorganized”, “always late”, “gets in his own way”, “sloppy handwriting”, “overly emotional”, “a lot”, and “not living up to his potential.”

[Arkady @ArkadyKoshka]

Cats are so good. There’s just a little guy in my house! We hug! We don’t speak the same language! We’re best friends! He bites me! I make up little songs about him! He doesn’t know my name! We fall asleep next to each other!

[curry queen @loookatmeimkiad]

who is the worst person that you know and why is it your ex from 2019

[Dr. Glaucomflecken @DGlaucomflecken]

Listen if this is it, just don’t sleep in your contacts, don’t use vis*ne, and do everything you can to undermine, ridicule, and ultimately destroy health insurance companies

[Harry Hill @veryharryhill]

We are the daughters of the tickets you couldn’t master

[Drew Gooden @drewisgooden]

i’ve never opened up about this before but in 2016 i bought Vine for 44 billion dollars and then it shut down 12 days later. so i know exactly what elon is going through right now.

[connor Wood @fibulaa]

I couldn’t be a cop bc I’m so bad at looking at the road when I’m on my laptop on the highway

[KING @HAMKING_]

Still can’t believe he’s gone. This Christmas will be our 794th year without Genghis Khan.

[August @augustep11]

You either date Pete Davidson or have a baby with Nick Cannon. Those are the only two life paths for women

[iamhunkydory @itschergurl]

Ms. Frizzle when a concerned parent asks how their child ended up in someone’s colon

[Mallory Eeeeeeee @primnimproper_]

Me, in line to vote, eyeing the other white women:

[KB @kbnoswag]

Your mcm took 60mg of adderall and drank an entire 32oz can of Monster just to study for his Intro to Biology final that’s tomorrow morning. He’s in the library right now sweating profusely and writing the definition of “nucleus” on a flashcard. He needs a 118% to pass the class