space_whaler

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

“And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die: for God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.”

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount Endermen

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Oh I’m hitting my protein goal at chipotle, just not in the way former Mormon prophet Thomas Monson would approve of

[Chipotle @ChipotleTweets]

hit your protein goals at chipotle. no fake fillers, just real flavor.

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount Are you going to hurt yourself

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

You know what works better than Good Cop/Bad Cop?

Good Cop/Angry-Horny Cop.

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount Employ phrenologists from a diverse cast of cultures and traditions

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

If we want to keep progressing technologically as a society, I say we got to take the gloves of and really put all we have into giving phrenology another chance.

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount Chaos emerald

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Actually the national animal of Vatican City is the Pope

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount They hated me for being right

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Many such cases.

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount As in silk touch?

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

@BelleAccount Pilots got hungry 😟

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

This guy’s here to meet a hobbit 🫵

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

The greatest trick Houdini ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Pissed the chouch

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

I’m convinced that instead of labeling a urinal “out of order”, a more effective solution would be to label it “small penis urinal”

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Jacking off in the shape of the alphabet to see what feels good

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

The evil stepmother? More like evil mother who stepped up

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

They’re going to call it seis de mayo after I’m done with it 😈

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

For sale: baby shoes, worn once (baby funeral)

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

I put the bonar in carbonara

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Stupid fuckin subway worker keeps spraying his alpha pheromones on my sandwich and it’s upsetting my wife and

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

What if Lee Harvey Oswald’s body just did that

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

Wow remy really did just force linguini on that woman

Not cool dude

I can’t even look at you right now

[space_whaler @space_whaler]

New basketball overtime rules: every player on the court, each basket is worth 20 pts, punching is allowed but each punch landed deducts 2 points from your team